I ...
how to start this
it's been 6 years since I stopped writing here. I don't even know why. Things evolved a lot.. but not in the best direction.
My mind is an utter mess. My sexual troubles are gone, but my life too. I'm constantly grieving over lost years. And these sexual troubles ended up rooting themselves as ptsd in my brain. I'm on an edge constantly. Anything bad causes death in my body.
I don't feel love for anything. And people around me are like dead weight.. just pain and no joy.
I almost forgot how to login there. It's odd. Reading my old post they look tiny and ridiculous.. but I know at the time I was in deep panic constantly. And now I'm in deep depression.. who knows how everything gonna feel in a few years.
I still ache over that girl.. I miss loving someone smile and not body. Miss a lot of things and am too tired to write it down (ageing, loss of self, lack of love, no more dreams, dark and void nostalgia.. oh I wish I could feel the sun of my childhood. When stupid simple stuff was filled with joy)
I'm slightly happy that I do remember october 2013 was a turning point in my existence. My madness was real.. sometimes it's as if it was a nightmare .. something that never existed outside my mind. But it was real.
oh.. we have a cat now (our neighbor's to be precise) because yeah, not only my sexuality changed, my allergies are gone. I can pet cats. No pun intented.
ps: how much should we forgive our parents ? entirely ?