iBedroom

2 years ago I spent many days playing 3D Tetris in my bedroom to reclaim space. Didn't want to throw things away, just package them tighter. A dusty yet funny exercise.

Last days I decided to make it a livable space, hence gathering things into classes, same class, same area. Trying to turn this anti Feng Shui volume into an Apple iBedroom. Minimal.
Also decided to let go old stuff, old gifts, old games, old childhood memories, rotten by an empty present. As I hold on to them too long and too hard, I never went forward with my life, the happy feeling they're attached to leads nowhere, leads to the life vacuum my last decades were. Reviewing all those little things, 'stupid' learning cd-roms bought by a worried mom, grandma's microscope I barely used. So many other things I was obsessed with, geek fetish, childhood passions, driving me away from important things. So many times I wish I would have been thankful for. Somewhere my emotional development stopped completely I was a fake brainiac-con-kid with no ability to relate to other persons. At the same time, events after that made it impossible for me to communicate, anger makes you mute. Actually it's better to fuck things up when you're little, never bears this weighty payload inside.

As I continue cleaning, I see what I already realized earlier, my crowded room is in fact void. Beside a laptop, my bed, and some mail.. it's a basement with some furniture. People usually do this when they're teenagers, pushing away toys, growing up. I never evolved. I often feel like I'm the same as my 6 years old self. Sounds good sometimes. Not this time.

I'm far too nostalgic.. getting rid of this is painful, I miss those times of blissful carelessness, I feel like ripping parts of me at a self-driven funeral.

Reverted ii

I don't want to play virtual-hug-buddy with the last girl, here's why:

I just spent 48 hours with a friend couple.
Seeing them non stop lovingly being playful together.. just exhausted me. There's not overwhelmingly glued together, it's just that witnessing something I wanted and probably will never have is a mute-pain dragging you down. I have ~feeling for his girlfriends, I almost always talk to her directly, but she's his fiancee, she just don't care much about me. Ah stupid monkey.

I don't know how my pseudo-gender issue will end. Self-mourning is vaporous.. hard to understand. I should read about handicaped people. It's funny cause I could see myself blind, half-handicaped .. but the simple idea of never having a complete and  deep love - emotional and physical - relationship with a girl .. leave me hanging like a ghost.