grief

I don't know how I'm gonna deal with this, if it's true, it feels like a loss. Death. The idea of it is unbearable. What purpose then ? none ..

Gosh I hope I'll read this embarrassed for being wrong.

knot nots

I don't feel womany I feel non manly
I don't feel gay I feel non straight

self defined disease

the only way not to be anxious or stressed or sad about my state is too satisfy urges. well played mother nature.

back to integrative neuroscience. gonna crack this bitch,

tainted

is my past now tainted by an invisible pervert lie nature brought onto me ?

anxiety attack, how not to drill you head

Happened once after nose surgery (fist fight), the stabilizing tissue meshes occluded the airway, made me furiously mad to the point I gradually striped them out of my slightly bleedy nose.

Happened again last night, no blocking tissue, only a mild cold/infection causing fluid (or stuckful slime) between my nose and my throat. And my brain went even more mad, cold hands, stuck in an obsessed loop to clear the back of my nose, which obviously I can't reach so I started punching my head. I was tempted to put anythint through my nose to reach behind a drag the gooey out ... but I asked to get to a hospital to get some kind of brain shutting pill. I could breath perfectly, nothing harmful was happening except for my brain getting off trying to convince itself to crack its skull open...

It was embarrassing to abuse night doctors time for such a little thing, fortunately there was nobody there at the time (a rare thing)

sexualzheimer 2

stumbling on old songs from when I was 13
music puts my mind in a peaceful state
I feel like me again
emotions made sense somehow
no conflicting pulsions

perceptive dissonnance

dont know if i find girl beautiful or if im envious of their beauty
dont know what i am anymore, impotent, impossible to see myself as male
as if defined by relationship with the other sex
no relation => not male
but it's fluctuating, i'm losing myself, or was I even me ?
feels like an artificial past existence, only the upper brain tried to make sense of life, and failed. the hormonal inner brain has woken up and is stretching everything inside.
it's so painful and dull at the same time.
emotional rollercoaster to quote someone who had the luxury to end up in the middle of the spectrum, with a preserved identity.

i'm paranoid and hypocondriac, with a tendency to end up stuck in my dark thoughts. hope this is another case.

i8B

I8B
I8Bs
*mO'l

premature optimisation

You think your brain being efficient means you're set in life.
Teachers thinks you can do anything in life.
Except.

You're not.

intellectual before emotional.
disaster.
nature.disavow