sexualzheimer 2

stumbling on old songs from when I was 13
music puts my mind in a peaceful state
I feel like me again
emotions made sense somehow
no conflicting pulsions

perceptive dissonnance

dont know if i find girl beautiful or if im envious of their beauty
dont know what i am anymore, impotent, impossible to see myself as male
as if defined by relationship with the other sex
no relation => not male
but it's fluctuating, i'm losing myself, or was I even me ?
feels like an artificial past existence, only the upper brain tried to make sense of life, and failed. the hormonal inner brain has woken up and is stretching everything inside.
it's so painful and dull at the same time.
emotional rollercoaster to quote someone who had the luxury to end up in the middle of the spectrum, with a preserved identity.

i'm paranoid and hypocondriac, with a tendency to end up stuck in my dark thoughts. hope this is another case.

i8B

I8B
I8Bs
*mO'l

premature optimisation

You think your brain being efficient means you're set in life.
Teachers thinks you can do anything in life.
Except.

You're not.

intellectual before emotional.
disaster.
nature.disavow

sexualzheimer

you remember your old self
but it's gradually fading away

lone..

When you're lonely, it's more the inertia that feels heavy, the difficulty of building a group that stick. Without this momentum away goes the drive to relate with others. Double penalty. Out of any social context, the upfront cost is quite high, so you have to walk knowing it's gonna be a slow, sensitive~, process.
Hopefully the logarithmic sieve of nociception will kick in soon enough.

phenotypic illusion [incomplete]

It's crazy that it's easier to bend your physical appearance to match sexual pulsions. Crazy that these two can grow apart so unrelated. Y chromosome rendered useless. It'd be better if it was totally non-functioning.

The most 'amazing' is the incoherent perception of the outside world. Finding a girl attractive, absorbed by her beauty, yet not willing her to grow an adult woman body. You're moved by an appearance you want to have on someone else that you want to be a man. Inverted wires.

to be continued...