bothparents issues

Always hear about girls with daddy issues. I may be closer to a girl than I'd like but I wonder if guys have mother issues (Big Bang Theory's Howard character hints it might be). Anyway I guess I overdid it, I have bothparents issues. They pull things out of their asses all day long, finding the less important thing to nitpick and argue about. Spitting on each others face. Well I'm unfair, my mother isn't like this, that's my father's talent. The mother is more of the Stockholm kind, suffering and then running back to her misery with this clueless look in her eyes wondering why is this happening again. The father just can't help mumbling acid condescending things in your back. I lack the right word here, the way he constantly mock people, the fact that the only thing he can do is commenting while you're searching for something is mesmerizing. Is he suffering you that much that the thought of being neutral (not even respectful) doesn't land in his mind. Everytime he does this I feel like he could as much kick you while your down just to prove his point. Disgusting piece of shit. And that's coming from the nice piece of shit you attempted to raise.

regular physical activity vs emotional distress

It's my third week on the training program. I'm close to reach one hour of recovering~ stationary bike, with some crunch/pushups/whatever and some taichi/boxing. After remembering, thanks to some random article, that loosing fat needed prolongated average efforts instead of burns, I started rethinking the bike exercise. Also the handlebar caused some tension in my forearm/wrists => uncomfortable tingling in my hands. I ended up doing bike-jogging. Sitting straight up, arm and upper body swinging in sync with pedaling. You look and feel like jogging but on pedals. Very very smooth, I suppose the upperbody swinging momentum shoves a bit of the effort from your legs, and helps keeping the rhythm. It feels great, 3 kilograms of fat allegedly left my body, some muscle mass came too, and it reinforces joints, enough that I can walk stairs both ways without feeling pain in my left knee. Not 100%, but a great side effect.

That said, I'm still not very stable. Often anxious, knee jerking, during the day. Some times nauseous. Sport is very beneficial, but I need to change things in other departments too.

ps: doing crunches again is funny, next day soreness forbids you sneeze nose-gasms, you can't expel air fast enough to get the numb sensation.

about social interaction and compromise

I live in some kind of social isolation. In my parents house but we have no enjoyable bond, quite the opposite. Cut ties with everybody except for 1-3 persons, and mostly one I can hang out with.

Tonight I was sad, so I resorted to emo-texting. One girl responded, I felt touched by our few messages, until it went a bit cold. I'm really bad at human interactions. Probably too selfish to be motivated long enough and have things to talk about. Anyway I understood the value of social interactions and the opposite too. Right now I feel shitty. Isolation shields me from that, it's just a compromise.

gay hit ?

Leaving the theater today, as I was walking, the guy in front of me couldn't resist checking himself in the window reflections on the side, with a guilty little look behind, probably to see if anyone saw him. Made me smile to catch someone red handed, I often do such things. He probably noticed my smile and then suddenly stopped, asking me for direction. Somehow I felt he was just feeling me as he didn't seem lost and it was a pretty easy thing to find. I kept walking as he went away. The End.

white hairs

my brain is messed up, this constant shifting between moods and perception of sexuality .. I'm having regular white (pure white) hairs even on my beard...

- spike

It's not being aroused by my thoughts that hurts me, it's the fear that I'll never share this with her, thus being worthless.

grief race : crime

As insulting as it may be, I see a similarity in the way people suffering irrecoverable loss (child death or kidnapping). They seems to hang their life on the one desire to gain full understanding of what happened. It's absurd but somehow it's the only thing that makes sense for them. I too want to see in the deep what probably lead me to my situation.