still need you ?

http://splashofred.squarespace.com/red-gallery/andrew-ek/11606372

her thigh

The warmth of her leg against mine. I don't know if I'd enjoy more of her close to me, but it felt like it. This soft burn.

dead logic

when i'm fed up
i'll get a 9mm
hopefully under 7 days
i'll get a refund

old noise

There was a topic on age vs noise recently. my neighbor is celebrating her birthday. I can't stand the noise. Nothing to do with the physical phenomenon, it's actually not loud at all. It's the feeling caused by what it means. A birthday party, never had one. Childhood friend living next door, not friends anymore, decades. Reminiscing how awkward and useless I feel in others parties. The disconnection with the world. The supply of happy moments they all have access to which is intractably invisible to my eyes.
Is that how it feels for real old people ? sour nostalgia ? depletion of happiness ?

kernel panic

The off by one error that brings the whole system down.

traversee du desert

I had this recurrent feeling things weren't right since long ago. Decades. Now my last 5 or 10 years were harder because I couldn't float the stream of the teenage years and school system where the way isn't broad and almost set for you. I don't think I'm trying to distort my anguish into a positive outcome. But I feel that this journey through nothingness was a good set up to understand some deep things about my nature (maybe the human one, I can't multiply that by 7 billions that fast). A inner definition of slowness; little random etymology roundover, french for speed is time distortion of Latin 'seeing', to be fast you need to see, if you don't, go slower; and with this, the same for regular accumulation of the small. Learning outside any system. Even though MOOCs were a lot more efficient than my singled-out teaching process, it's still a personal choice without peer pressure of any kind, while A-level, college, all bear some 'me too' reasons. My english level went south though. I know 5x more expressions and idioms but god the grammar and typos.. but I do suffer from the same flaws in my native tongue, it's probably that I'm not a good fit for natural language.

I'm still sunk. But I feel like not far from being able to handle things on my own. Emotionally I'm not far from danger but on the social side, working side it's getting there.

3 weeks of regular physical activity

After maintaining a steady 40min of medium physical activity (120-150 bpm) I can say I feel many benefits. Left knee is almost back in business. I regain taste for natural food. I eat more but less junk. I feel having a nice little mat of physical energy. Also it's sinking into a habit, such that if I have nothing to do I'll think about doing 'my' 40 minutes.

Plan.Next : Increase to 60 minutes. 45 being the threshold to tap into slow fat, 15 min of draining will help losing unnecessary reserves. 15 minutes of muscle focused exercises (crunch, pushup, back crunch, custom squats). And 15 min of "holistic" rhythmically constrained movements. I'd love to have loggable accelerometers for quantitative data to plot but alas.

ps: The stationary bike's magnetic brake seems subject to drift. I thought I'd try level 6 instead of 5 today because it felt a little too easy, but went back to 5 in order to stabilize progression. It wasn't easy anymore. Going up 4 => 5 isn't the same as down 6 => 5. All my measures are off somehow. I finished the 40 minutes, 500m lower than usual. Not burned out though.