I had this recurrent feeling things weren't right since long ago. Decades. Now my last 5 or 10 years were harder because I couldn't float the stream of the teenage years and school system where the way isn't broad and almost set for you. I don't think I'm trying to distort my anguish into a positive outcome. But I feel that this journey through nothingness was a good set up to understand some deep things about my nature (maybe the human one, I can't multiply that by 7 billions that fast). A inner definition of slowness; little random etymology roundover, french for speed is time distortion of Latin 'seeing', to be fast you need to see, if you don't, go slower; and with this, the same for regular accumulation of the small. Learning outside any system. Even though MOOCs were a lot more efficient than my singled-out teaching process, it's still a personal choice without peer pressure of any kind, while A-level, college, all bear some 'me too' reasons. My english level went south though. I know 5x more expressions and idioms but god the grammar and typos.. but I do suffer from the same flaws in my native tongue, it's probably that I'm not a good fit for natural language.
I'm still sunk. But I feel like not far from being able to handle things on my own. Emotionally I'm not far from danger but on the social side, working side it's getting there.
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