old noise

There was a topic on age vs noise recently. my neighbor is celebrating her birthday. I can't stand the noise. Nothing to do with the physical phenomenon, it's actually not loud at all. It's the feeling caused by what it means. A birthday party, never had one. Childhood friend living next door, not friends anymore, decades. Reminiscing how awkward and useless I feel in others parties. The disconnection with the world. The supply of happy moments they all have access to which is intractably invisible to my eyes.
Is that how it feels for real old people ? sour nostalgia ? depletion of happiness ?

kernel panic

The off by one error that brings the whole system down.

traversee du desert

I had this recurrent feeling things weren't right since long ago. Decades. Now my last 5 or 10 years were harder because I couldn't float the stream of the teenage years and school system where the way isn't broad and almost set for you. I don't think I'm trying to distort my anguish into a positive outcome. But I feel that this journey through nothingness was a good set up to understand some deep things about my nature (maybe the human one, I can't multiply that by 7 billions that fast). A inner definition of slowness; little random etymology roundover, french for speed is time distortion of Latin 'seeing', to be fast you need to see, if you don't, go slower; and with this, the same for regular accumulation of the small. Learning outside any system. Even though MOOCs were a lot more efficient than my singled-out teaching process, it's still a personal choice without peer pressure of any kind, while A-level, college, all bear some 'me too' reasons. My english level went south though. I know 5x more expressions and idioms but god the grammar and typos.. but I do suffer from the same flaws in my native tongue, it's probably that I'm not a good fit for natural language.

I'm still sunk. But I feel like not far from being able to handle things on my own. Emotionally I'm not far from danger but on the social side, working side it's getting there.

3 weeks of regular physical activity

After maintaining a steady 40min of medium physical activity (120-150 bpm) I can say I feel many benefits. Left knee is almost back in business. I regain taste for natural food. I eat more but less junk. I feel having a nice little mat of physical energy. Also it's sinking into a habit, such that if I have nothing to do I'll think about doing 'my' 40 minutes.

Plan.Next : Increase to 60 minutes. 45 being the threshold to tap into slow fat, 15 min of draining will help losing unnecessary reserves. 15 minutes of muscle focused exercises (crunch, pushup, back crunch, custom squats). And 15 min of "holistic" rhythmically constrained movements. I'd love to have loggable accelerometers for quantitative data to plot but alas.

ps: The stationary bike's magnetic brake seems subject to drift. I thought I'd try level 6 instead of 5 today because it felt a little too easy, but went back to 5 in order to stabilize progression. It wasn't easy anymore. Going up 4 => 5 isn't the same as down 6 => 5. All my measures are off somehow. I finished the 40 minutes, 500m lower than usual. Not burned out though.

bothparents issues

Always hear about girls with daddy issues. I may be closer to a girl than I'd like but I wonder if guys have mother issues (Big Bang Theory's Howard character hints it might be). Anyway I guess I overdid it, I have bothparents issues. They pull things out of their asses all day long, finding the less important thing to nitpick and argue about. Spitting on each others face. Well I'm unfair, my mother isn't like this, that's my father's talent. The mother is more of the Stockholm kind, suffering and then running back to her misery with this clueless look in her eyes wondering why is this happening again. The father just can't help mumbling acid condescending things in your back. I lack the right word here, the way he constantly mock people, the fact that the only thing he can do is commenting while you're searching for something is mesmerizing. Is he suffering you that much that the thought of being neutral (not even respectful) doesn't land in his mind. Everytime he does this I feel like he could as much kick you while your down just to prove his point. Disgusting piece of shit. And that's coming from the nice piece of shit you attempted to raise.

regular physical activity vs emotional distress

It's my third week on the training program. I'm close to reach one hour of recovering~ stationary bike, with some crunch/pushups/whatever and some taichi/boxing. After remembering, thanks to some random article, that loosing fat needed prolongated average efforts instead of burns, I started rethinking the bike exercise. Also the handlebar caused some tension in my forearm/wrists => uncomfortable tingling in my hands. I ended up doing bike-jogging. Sitting straight up, arm and upper body swinging in sync with pedaling. You look and feel like jogging but on pedals. Very very smooth, I suppose the upperbody swinging momentum shoves a bit of the effort from your legs, and helps keeping the rhythm. It feels great, 3 kilograms of fat allegedly left my body, some muscle mass came too, and it reinforces joints, enough that I can walk stairs both ways without feeling pain in my left knee. Not 100%, but a great side effect.

That said, I'm still not very stable. Often anxious, knee jerking, during the day. Some times nauseous. Sport is very beneficial, but I need to change things in other departments too.

ps: doing crunches again is funny, next day soreness forbids you sneeze nose-gasms, you can't expel air fast enough to get the numb sensation.

about social interaction and compromise

I live in some kind of social isolation. In my parents house but we have no enjoyable bond, quite the opposite. Cut ties with everybody except for 1-3 persons, and mostly one I can hang out with.

Tonight I was sad, so I resorted to emo-texting. One girl responded, I felt touched by our few messages, until it went a bit cold. I'm really bad at human interactions. Probably too selfish to be motivated long enough and have things to talk about. Anyway I understood the value of social interactions and the opposite too. Right now I feel shitty. Isolation shields me from that, it's just a compromise.

gay hit ?

Leaving the theater today, as I was walking, the guy in front of me couldn't resist checking himself in the window reflections on the side, with a guilty little look behind, probably to see if anyone saw him. Made me smile to catch someone red handed, I often do such things. He probably noticed my smile and then suddenly stopped, asking me for direction. Somehow I felt he was just feeling me as he didn't seem lost and it was a pretty easy thing to find. I kept walking as he went away. The End.

white hairs

my brain is messed up, this constant shifting between moods and perception of sexuality .. I'm having regular white (pure white) hairs even on my beard...

- spike

It's not being aroused by my thoughts that hurts me, it's the fear that I'll never share this with her, thus being worthless.

grief race : crime

As insulting as it may be, I see a similarity in the way people suffering irrecoverable loss (child death or kidnapping). They seems to hang their life on the one desire to gain full understanding of what happened. It's absurd but somehow it's the only thing that makes sense for them. I too want to see in the deep what probably lead me to my situation.