meaningless self -- long keven

It's been long time since I talked to him. Few days ago my last 'friend' advised me to send him a mail asap but I don't feel like it. I'm too sad and lost, I have nothing new to tell him, and everything else he knows already (yes, I think about him, I hope he's happily married). Should I say him I think about ending my life every two days or so. Can I keep bitching about things that seem so close yet so far from me. It feels like a kid not willing to make a step forward. It's almost true, but I'm asked to step off a cliff to verify I will die upon reaching ground.

I wonder why I'm so fucked up by girls and even more so how am I gonna be when (if) I fall in love for real, considering the theory (the main one these days) that my girl crushes are a fake artefact of years thinking I was straight. I really am a void of a person. Reminds me of Inception when the lead explains that his recreation and memories are just a superficial incarnation of his love's past reality. Am I, and was I a fake subversion of myself ?

i cannot rationalize it

it feels like robbing existence out of someone
an infinite absurd and silent pain that turns everything else pointless
so unfair you can't accept it
only grieving parents can understand

25th hour

absurdity so high anything I do feels like a last meal

ego centered motivation

I stopped biking. After 6 weeks of very diligent and regular 30-50 min of exercise, I can't find the will to do it again. 50 seems too long, even 40 minutes is too long, I can push impatiently for 20 and then go away. This is not the first time I see this, but before I couldn't even last 6 week. As soon as I finished the challenge all motivation went away. I'd hope that the 21 days to turn anything into a simple habit was would work, but it only did so partially. I tried to see this not as a challenge or an effort but more as a journey into perceiving my body, gently flirting on my limits to avoid burning but it failed. Now all I do is push ups, crunches, horse stance and air-boxing. Maybe I should reintegrate 20 minutes of bike before the muscles part. It would be a good warm up and cardio, improving the duration and efficiency of the other exercises anyway.

father ad nauseam

Anything

his voice
his smell
his words
his ideas

An emotional gag reflex.
I can't stand his sadness and craze.

Sometimes I enjoy the thought of hurting him.
I'd cut his tongue and stare.
The pain or fear in his eyes.

For his blindness.

That's it, a little poem, courtesy of genetic legacy.


ps: expressing violence does have a little 'relieve' effect.

in her mind

Someone's girlfriend texted me yesterday. My phone was off, typical passive aggressive cut from people. She's almost always nice to me. But this is a first. There was no side-projects or event. Just an 'Don't ask why, I think of you, hoping you're fine'. She has no idea I think about her when I hold my pillow. Helps me bootstraping tender-filled of girl closeness fantasies. I'm gonna play outbid by revealing this to her. It's rare that girls displays little signs of affection. Very rare. But that's the second time she come forwards to me. Earlier this summer she gave me a kiss on my cheek, out of the blue. No girl ever did this, it's was subtle and sweet. Just what I'd need from a girl. I'm not angry enough to really think she's sad or bored. Plus she's supposed to be free of kids, they're both schooled now. Maybe work seeking reminds her of me. I'll see. This won't help me dreaming about us flirting gently. I'll answer her tomorrow, her man will be at work. I won't steal her from him (0% chances this could happen in any universe) but I care about "our" relationship. Things I can share with her are private. Even if it's strong feelings. I'm surprised how shooked I am now. Wet eyes. It ..

Am I in my other girl~friend thoughts too ? she was embarrassed by my affection and quite cold when I disclosed how desperate I am about my sexual situation. I don't think she's gonna hold me in her mind often or long from now on. She loves her cat much more.

tell on

It's funny how I'm more open to bitch loudly against my parents when there are siblings around. The usual reclusive me feels a lot less inner resistance to shout back. It's as if being surrounded only by people whose behaviour hurts you kills any reason to shout since they're doing it in the first place. You don't want to speak since you're trying to modify the mind of people already unable or unwilling to see the harm. Other people gives you a new market to express yourself on, it feels a lot easier.