everything is nothing

I was told I could do anything
I could be anything
I repeat, all this means nothing if I can't ...

backlog 001

1994, reading Hollow man

a scale of irony

Is it possible that I've lost my teen years in a sea of desolation for a lack of confidence toward girls that is turning to be a complete absurdity considering my probable orientation ?

distorded perceptions

I don't know if it's my reclusive way of life, with accumulated years of interacting with people in non physical, distanced and emotionally crippled ways but I have different reaction if I look at someone in picture and in real life. Most of the time since a few months it triggers this empty feeling of sexual identity mismatch. Is it a symptom of obsessive disorders ?

emotional versus

most of the loneliness impressions comes from the simple fact that most of the things I feel thrilled about makes people yawn, while all they're ecstatic about makes me cringe.

adosses

assis au pied de son lit, cote a cote
parler un temps assez long pour en perdre sa notion.

assis cote a cote, adosse a quelquechose
parler sans s'en rendre compte.

assis tous les deux, serres
parler en silence.

tout les deux. parler.

tout les deux. parler.

tout les deux. parler.
tout les deux. parler.

emotional noise, down up down down

For a few seconds I feel like a guy, then it goes away. It's a cold and empty feeling going through my self. Strips life out of me. Very difficult. I dream to stalk on neuroscientist to harass them into building a cortical debugger.

10+ years sample ellipsis. Flora Purim >> GameOne Abe's Odyssey

In late 90s, a Video Game TV Channel called 'Game One' emerged on french satellite offerings. Being low budget I believe, they filled the air with video clips of famous games featuring some songs they liked. One of them was Abe's Odyssey : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfutyCCjTbg . My interest in bass guitar was already there and this tune is 90% bass driven so it stuck in my mind. Knew it by heart without wanting more.

This morning I was curious about Michael Jackson's song 'Lady in my life' studio backing band. As usual Leon Ndugu Chancler being the drummer (the famous Billy Jean groove is his child, most famous 1 second drum groove ? maybe). I know he is a renowned studio drummer too, so, just for fun, let's how many albums he was on. 300+ says discogs.com .. not bad (I'd thought more honestly, but he's a professor at Berkley I believe, less time to rock). One of the early albums was Flora Purim's Open Your Eyes You Can Fly, with the song named the same. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvMO-73Rw4k The first second is a bass groove I recognize instantaneously. Abe's Odyssey clip ! Fortunately for me, I was able to find the old clip without too much efforts (thanks to the guy who uploaded it). And even found the intermediate sampler, DJ Food - Dark lady : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RL4eDvMaJyI

Quite a surprise

ps: I knew Flora's lyrics were familiar, I knew Lizz Wright's cover http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNWFlwOBhDE . Small, small world.

rollercoaster week somehow

Lots of surprising events since the last few days. My father leaving town to attend some friends funerals, then that girl 30th birthday, then her mother-in-law 60th birthday. They pulled me out from my room to share desert then dragged me on the kids playground with their daughter. It's probably been 13 years since I've landed a foot on that particular area. It's just outside my window yet I never stop when coming home. We even walked through the wooden path surrounding the projects. That was a child specialty. Soccer on fields, wooden houses, hide and seek... Sun even paid a visit while we were extending our walk in the forest. I didn't spend so much time in my own neighborhood for so long. It wasn't thrilling but quite peaceful and stimulating. Years ago I would probably be overwhelmed by anxiety, nowadays its under control. Anyway, the noon was about to end, everyone back to their home. The 30yo girl inviting me at her place. I couldn't say yes because I like her more than my own childhood friend (her fiancee). Friend who sent me some pep-talk message about how cool people thought I was .. they're just clueless, and I know he says that because he misses me somehow and want me to feel happy. But it's not right and there's no way I can explain anything to him because it doesn't even make sense to me.
So here I am, closing the door, father back from his 3 days trip, talking with my mom. There was a 'patching things up' kind of feeling floating in the air. Saddens me that it takes a sad event to bring this up. You can sense it by the rhythm and the tone of smalltalk, the overall volume ...
Fast forward 2 days, went to pay some bills for them, by bike, right on time since the sun is back again. I'm all sweaty but I cleared my tab. It's not even 2pm, for a reason, alcohol synced me back on time, I wake up early. Weird body. I decide to watch 'The Downfall'. Right when things becomes dark, parents start to pick on each others. Doesn't take long until that threat feeling flows through me. I can't stand it anymore but I'm too weak to get things started. I can't run away because I want my independence to live my life, I don't have any. Leaving would either pass at some immature runaway, or some inexplicable (even though everybody is in pain under this roof) gesture.

sexual shift bias

I feel for girls, aesthetically, emotionally (girls affection, attention makes me feel happy, physical closeness too the rare time that happened), Since ever. Not in a sexual way though, it seems. Would this be just normal friendship reaction toward a group with whom I'd share similar mental traits ? with the addition of 25 years of longing for their interest in a sexual way that wasn't feasible because of me, it could be an artificial amplification.

Hidden side of parties

I'm not the party type. I don't understand the word, the purpose. Most of the time I hate it. But it brings out strange opportunities. Some stuck feelings are let loose. Worthy people are in the same place, in the same time. Focusing on the good parts. It's almost ridiculous, I'm sure there are some Kool and the Gang lyrics with the same words, but it's not. It can be superficial. But it also has a purpose. Its a necessary substrate.

wasted :: childhood / friendship / self

Just came back from 30 years anniversary from the fiancee of a childhood friend. I missed so much. It pains me deeply. It hurts but in the same time it realigns you to what matters. They mean so much. I hate myself for realizing so late, too late. I hope the lesson sticks in my mind for long, for as long as I live. Fuck fear, fuck egotism. Why was I so weak, unable to realize what I was doing. Oh my.... I know I've been weak, and tore things apart. Stings from a life I ran away from.

Her sister's brought a boyfriend too. Jealousy of course but, well, if she's happy. I can't give anything more to her, he seems wonderful.

Anger is useless, I know now. Dip into and unfold it. Be wise. Peace

ps: timely benefit, tears are clearing my nose like nothing else in a long time.