Crippl

I wonder how many gays have cried or felt crippled when they realized there was no future sexually or emotionally with a girl. I don't feel like being gay since I've been staring at girls in awe for as long as I can remember. I'd describe that as a grieving of some sorts, letting go of all the dreams triggered by teenage-hood infatuations.

I theorize that I should have been a woman, I've just enough girly manners, yet far from being effeminate, to consider myself a transsexual-to-be, or an half-cooked man(*). Deducing that my constant obsession with girl beauty may just be the projection of what I'd like to be and not what I'd like to get.

(*) : maybe that's how bisexual are .. a bit of both. dunno.

Since early teenage-hood I've become reclusive mainly because I felt lame beside my childhood guy buddies, and totally uncomfortable around girls. I had once or twice, the few times I was alone with girls at that time, the tendency to 'play' their games. Building necklace for instance. In all my insecurities, how to behave to make them like you ? do as they do ? it felt right to me for a second then, I don't recall, it was quick but it felt weird .. so I stopped myself doing so.

Fast forward 15 years, I can't look at real tits, I only peeked at some twice, in pseudo-voyeur situation , my head turns itself without asking to avoid looking.. so I guess that says all since guys can't stop looking and grabbing them. I still find young women incredibly beautiful to watch, catching myself wandering while a friend's fiancee cleans the garden. She was very very pretty, she's had 2 babies now, taking a toll on her "silhouette", yet she's still beautiful. As all her friends. As 90% of the girls I run across the few times I go downtown. I can't stop thinking about them, but it stops at my pubes .. I can still feel moved, heart beating, or anxiety twisting my stomach because a girl is so pretty I don't know what to say anymore.. but my dick (or my female penis as I call it now) is almost shrinking. Not what you want around girls.

It is the closest I know before being literally crippled, you just can't do anything about it, it's dead, flat. Forcing it would be paradoxical. Beautiful face, beautiful body, no reactions at all. Now that I had such, meaning the opposite, reaction watching naked guys I know something is missing, hence the impotence feeling, followed by this helplessness that I'll never get to know girls closely, even in a platonic way; we'd both know it's a dead end. I get sad thinking about it, almost weeping sad sometimes, straight guys don't know how lucky they are.

Sad Gay.