I'm hearing some weird shit from my parent dispute of the day. Disturbing, half disclosed, shit, self history rethinking kind of shit. I can't imagine how many things got stacked over time. Hidden events kept inside of their mind, silently rotting relationship. I'm doing a lot of guessing there, but their tone alone would support this, and some words .. gosh.
Side note : as sad as all this might be, I'm smiling, as if all my own fucked up mind might be partially somebody else responsibility. Unsurprisingly I catch myself thinking that I'm done with this home and will be moving out; as I always do. Anywhere, for my small remaining time and theirs too. Part of their misery is being co-owners of the house. This requires both parties to agree on any selling solution, crazy hard to do since they both kinda hate each others, so they're stuck. Part of it is my presence, we're still having a parent/child relationship, in order to break this habit something has to change. Leaving would be a good way.
Anyway, my conclusion would be, never ever restrain yourself. Say things, state how you feel, act upon if you reach your limit, move on in this case. Avoid piling up stuff to build your own nightmare.
ps: this conclusion is premature. I don't know what it is to be in such a position. When you have to choose to keep going hoping for the better or cut things off right away. That must be a tremendous pressure to deal with.
I'm just globally tired by the overall tendency for people to hide things under the rug, I did it far too often, I was on the weak side of the spectrum and didn't perceive any examples to follow.
pps: i can't stop thinking about this event. my father stopped harassing my mother after she accused him. sounds like it might be true. at the same time i feel he shut himself down, as he usually barks even if he has no more arguments. True or not, I'm not sure there's any real value in knowing. Things that old are just to be forgotten, they don't affect your life that much of if so any analysis will be so blurry it won't help. It just feels sad all together. I'm almost worried he's gonna harm himself, and I don't feel anger right now. He might have done wrong but I guess he had his issues. Just a big fat waste-sigh. I mean I relate to him in more ways that it might seem. If he felt like I did .. I feel sorry for him. The conclusion is that this has been a complete fake act for many years. Sometimes right, often facticious.
So many members of my family were quite shattered inside.. Some friends I know have fragile families too, I wonder if there's any family out there that have a plain and simple history.
No comments:
Post a Comment