Difusion

I don't know how much this is perverted but I need to put out and reflect on that story. I feel like bragging about being mugged .. not a happy thing, but at the same time strange enough to feel being interesting with my victim life.

An ex-colleague asked for my email after she moved abroad. To support her while she might felt homesick I talked to her. Turns out she's in love, talks about marriage after 3 weeks of chatting where I repressed my lack of interest in her way of thinking. She just didn't talk about marriage, she thought through in advance, saying that if I could wait until she moves back and if I don't meet someone, even if she wants me to be free blah blah blah... Daydreaming^3.

'I love you'.. For the record, its the second time in my life that a girl said those very words, and the second time from a girl that knows me for less than a week. As crazy as it can sound, it moved me, craziness can be confused with sincerity. This time there with some bonuses : wedding thoughts, and many variation around "you are my sunshine".

While she keeps bringing the subject back, I realize she was already thinking about me since long ago; with a high capacity for generating false-positives like the fact that I despised her because I thought she was Jewish, as some girls did in her last school. At that time I had met her only once, working with her less than a day, and only knowing her name. She looks fairly Mediterranean to me, not particularly eastern or North-African... I had no clue. She also said that I made her suffer by ignoring her voluntarily, probably correlating my behavior with her Jew-hate hypothesis. In fact I did avoid her, but because I'm a low self esteem girl-shy geek and she's slender with some cute attributes so I avoided any possibilities of awkward silences, nothing more. On top of all this, she took everything I said literally, she has a hard time with irony or absurdity; tries to re-evaluate herself after any commentary that might include her. High insecurity probably.
It reached the point of impossible small-talk. You can't have a normal relationship with someone having such ideas about you. So, as she suggested herself, I blocked her. For the next weeks she sent mails about her day, asking why am I not online. I thought not answering the few first mails, little attempts to talk to me disguised in naiveness, would make things clear but that was a vain effort.
On new years eve she left me a voice mail, jumping to a random reason to ask me to talk back to her cause otherwise she might fail her studies. Not only asking me, suggesting me to 'do something about it' in a blend of deception and orderly tone.
I accepted to try to come back for a month while she goes through her exam preparations, stating clearly that I'd leave when she's done. She kept mentioning that if we get along well, there will be no reasons for me to leave, with the hopeful touch of a little girl insistence. I couldn't be much of a friend since I'm fairly limited socially, especially in that context. She added a constant stream of luv-terms, saying my body was beautiful, that some guy in town was hot but she obviously prefers me, sends me kisses, "luvya"s followed by "no no, I didn't said that" , "sorry don't read this" ...
She couldn't help herself suggesting us to meet whenever she's back here. I dismissed the idea by reminding her that I don't get along with her, am not a social person, and especially avoid to hang out with people having non-reciprocated feelings for me. Somehow that didn't get through to her.
She displayed a painful (for us both) habit of willing to control herself so that I'd be willing to interact with her. Seeing each other for a coffee as friends nothing more, that she can handle it. Of course, some 'luvya' were sent right after that too.. . how contradictory.
She liked to send me messages even though I didn't answer, I really dislike discussing ideas with her since we were almost a complete mismatch but couldn't find a way to say it to her without being too harsh or too soft. At the end I stumbled upon an childish idiom that was in between so I could avoid answering her non-interesting yet intimate questions (what's my middle name, how are my parents).
I have to admit that at the end of our last job I started to have negative opinions about her thinking process. She constantly talks about logic, scientifically proven facts, often about religion, while being clueless most of the time. Insecurity again ? the constant need to back up any thought with reasoning .. painful.
She came back for holidays recently, calling me everyday to tell me her whereabouts. I answered once because she took her sister's phone so I mistook it for a package delivery call. We had nothing to say, except to tell me she was about to have her hair done, suggesting that I'd go downtown for .. asking me not to hang up.
Note aside, I'm probably not heterosexual at all, I told her .. with no effects at all lol, but her smooth voice calling my name with such interest moved me again. Reminds me of another small trick she did, pretending to show me her new flat but wanting me to show on cam too. It felt a lot like an excuse.. yet she keeps describing herself as straightforward, explicit .. without psychological defense mechanisms. Anyway even though she annoyed me to no end at this time.. seeing her cute face on video made me a lot more mellow inside. I felt weirdly happy to have a inconscious reaction to a girl and totally lame about this superficial two-face behavior at the same time.
Since I told her I'd left when she's done with her exams, I thought to end this all.. easier said than done. As every discussion about why I don't want to see her she just can't understand the notion of not liking her, brings the problem back onto her saying she did nothing bad, she just loves me, I don't have to be affraid of being loved. Having someone's feeling tied around your neck is not joyful, she's not happy if I'm not online, if I don't tell her where I'll be in advance, which hours.. somehow we're already a couple, at least in her head, and partially in me caring about that situation far too much.
So I break the new to her.. and every time I try to get away she holds my leg, asking me to wait, asking me why, asking me how often will I be here, how much can she reduce her mails so I'd be willing to talk. Even better, that I'm torturing her, that her family is in bad shape these days because of her sister getting married .. ,everything is on her shoulders, so she needs my support to handle all this. It just made no sense, her sister found a nice educated guy willing to convert to their religion .. what in this makes her family sad ? With her tendancy to tell me everything, she never mentioned anything about responsabilities being put on her shoulders in this wedding, since she's far abroad for long and heavy studies I doubt her family will be asking much of her. Must be attempts to find any hard justification for my presence around her.. and it makes me profoundly sad that she's in this position.I kinda feel her pain, being helpless for someone's love or attention. Been there somehow. But I can't provide it and she became blind, jumping on me like this while I never showed any interest in her. I kept saying that there is nothing wrong with her, I was sincere in the sense that beside her unstoppable obsession, she's a nice person, inside and outside (she says a lot of guys hit on her), far nicer than I am. She cares for her family, rarely judge people like I do ..  I don't know what to think about all this except that it was a long period of uneasy emotions, ending in sadness .. I'm almost tempted to reach for her sometimes. It's like a child crying, you know he doesn't needs much to be happy. Except she's not a baby.. at least age-wise. I tried to tell her to talk to someone, as she seemed to handle all this in her head; her sister, a shrink .. to me she needs it badly, she seems to overthink everything and end up living in her own mind.

I must have ruined her holidays, but it had to be done; when I reminded her that I only accepted to help her until her exam, she said that she has exams until June; I didn't want to be sarcastic and say that she's gonna have exams for many years too..

It's not easy to be needy.