grief race condition

What is it that I feel when I believe I am gay ? This two faced feeling that if I really am gay, then all I've been through before was pointless. All the little papercuts and efforts made for others are backfiring. "No more" you'll think. You want to have everything your way, and shit on everyone or everything that will slow you down. Turning in a desire to crush their lives, not literally, but in a competitive manner. Now that you lost the core of it, you want the few remaining bits to be burning bright. You can't stand to have another sub-par thing in your life. Not when you see enjoying what you'll never have. It's bitter, an aimless final sprint. A living death.

What is it that I feel when I feel like a straight man, when I suddenly feel the need of that girl a shared a bed with. When I see myself as the guy when I see a couple kissing, that turns me into a peaceful whole. In these rare moments, I feel forgiving, compassionate, I'd live the poorest life but smiling every day at the most insignificant things. A inner force, a slow energy wave that puts you in forward motion.

Too thin a wire to walk on ...

where have you been

death are those silent faces
only shades
empty places
still is the scent
the enharmony
that once lifted
these memories
I hear it clearly
only lacks the melody

getting dry

a warm night
a stressful evening
a void weekend

i'm tired of my condition
i want my share of normality
i feel i reached the end of the tape
already rewinded it many times
no more space

out of history

Sometimes this shit feels like I've been expelled from the history of mankind. Through times predecessors enjoyed. I'll never know.

Rant

I can't fathom my Gns. There's so much beautiful Gls. The simple idea of sharing emotional and physical love with one makes me deeply happy. It's not even happiness, it's a silent peace spreading through my cells. It's just. And the opposite ain't true for now. Mns triggers the physical side of things, but leaves the rest of my mind quite empty.

ps: meanwhile I suspect some guys to have abused the girl that rejected me. She told me she was interested in someone and she wept before my eyes for a scam story. If someone robs me a few hundred bucks I'm mad, angry, enraged not torn like that. The irony of my impotence~ facing the probable rape of others is killing me too.

4 guys I "like[d]"

Trying to investigate my old self I seek for differences in emotional reactions with buddies. I know that more than often I used to sigh for girls very quickly, get 'crushes' etc etc. I don't think it happened with guys before. Here's a list of the guys I "loved" the most. By that I mean, lengthy discussions or even expression of feelings. For now, those I recall are only sub-bro-mance feelings, no tenderness, romance, or physical attraction (obviously since my brain wasn't open to the idea of males having sensuality).

Guy #1 , childhood friend on and off, used to hangout with him around A-level because he failed and was probably depressed. Shared a taste for making music, a dis-taste for our fathers. He met his fiancee around that time so he brought me everywhere with him. Recently I learned that I was a way-out, smoothing out his father rules since he was just hanging out with the good boy that I am. Anyway things changed, my problems made me less fond of him. Which is unfair, he has always been "inclusive" friendship wise even though I'm quite cold. At one point we had a fight (because I was mad that his sister in law wasn't in love with me so I acted weird) and afterwards I felt the need to go to him to say I love him. In my dream it was a hug with a pat in the back. Some tears of apologies but nothing else. Oh, anecdote, we used to have a trendy 1cm haircut, doing it ourself with some handheld hair trimme, so we spent some times half naked in the bathroom. At the time no conscientiously repressed interest in his body (blue eyes, dark hair, pretty ribbed~ nowadays I can look at pictures of him at the time differently, and I understand why his fiancee was happy to be with him).

~ps: we used to stay late at his place, often watching porn on cable, trying to avoid waking up his parents and faking discussing sports. One time, we listened to some CDs, one including 'Calling you', we were stunned by the song and ended staring at each others face caught in the emotion of the voice. Was this a nascent homo-romantic glitch ?

Guy #2 , extra-college activity acquaintance, share a taste in far too young girls, in abstraction and dis-taste for the sad state of society. I had such long talks with him. He came at a time where I was able to speak a little. Something that was impossible with #1, too early, I didn't experienced death of family members at the time, also #2 chats were online, easier behind a screen. We reciprocated the fact that knowing each others was the only good thing we got from this activity (which was going south in a very absurd manner).

Guy #3, post-college music playing buddy, met through some internet discussion board. Shared almost nothing, except some meta-principles which made sharing the music we liked a very very enjoyable experience. I can only remember one time where he dismissed something from me on fallacious basis. He could probably say the same about me. Anyway it was a person a greatly appreciated, yet no weird feeling of jealousy when I saw his girlfriend ..

Guy #4, another music playing buddy, met the same way as #3. I should call him the gateway as he was the first .. woops I forgot my girl infatuation of the time (a recently discovered bisexual girl who caused me many stomach ache). So technically, he's the 2nd person with an "alternative lifestyle" lets say. (in many ways, he was somehow more religious than many people of this age and region). After sharing my girl problems with him we went into source of shame, then dicks, porn etc etc. Soon enough he started to throw hooks at me, naked Russian guys, videos about friend being more than close etc. After a while he expressed interest in me, at least in the fact that we should spend time at his place. I started feeling some sexual agenda and it's probably the first time someone put me in this position. I said no even though I felt a little excited by the idea of sex. I ended up being fed up with his need for my attention and for a real 'friendship' so I cut contact (or maybe he did, can't recall). No twisted stomach or regrets, even now I almost never think of him, except to retrospect~ about the status of my sexuality.

At that point I never saw gay sex or even a naked guy. Since, I did, and I also worked at a big store, close to a gay friendly area. There was one guy which had a nice body, nothing fancy just shaped. One that was interesting because he was as uninhibited as possible. He could say the darndest thing all the time, with that slightly intellectual and argumented undertone that leaves him free of shame, making the whole thing even funnier when surrounded by down to earth persons. When he left, I probably missed him for an hour or two (the other colleagues were either too shy or too stereotypical sports/tits to entertain me). There was this girl-boy that went for a day or two. We crossed eyes and I stared at him for longer than I thought. Probably the weirdest gayest moment at that workplace. Still, nothing worth dreaming or crying about. Just like any girl that get close to me. FML-ish

Hetero-romantism refresher of the month

It's been a while since I felt like this. So that girl who rejected me is depressed, since I care for her (not only as a romance, but also as a friend) I try to smooth her sadness out, while sending small jokes about her rejection of my awesome beauty, to which she answers it's not that I'm not good-looking. I felt proud for a minute, that's rare. Later I propose to meet tomorrow because I need to go out and that could be a good thing for her too. She reveals she has a crush on someone, probably an idiot (her words) but that she doesn't to lead me on. Oh god she was right, my stomach is a bit twisted now ... The usual feeling of loss. I can't even imagine how people feel when they had real relationships. We only shared a bed twice. Something mundane for many, but for inexperienced guys like me it felt new. Somehow there are positive side to this revelation, more incentives to move on and leave this path. I'll have less regrets. It's the 2nd guy she wants without ever showing interest in me.

I really wonder what the hell is wrong with my brain. I spent the last night between two beautiful girls, one that I just met there, I couldn't get my eyes off of her, she's very pretty and delicate, very smooth body too. What is it ? desire to be her ? How can I feel torn for girls and not be physical at all. In my mind it's a pretty good advantage to be able to pull the carnal attraction lever. Double penalty, not straight enough, but still too much.

ps: badly edited text.

gone without a goodbye

Tomorrow people found our neighbor has taken his own life. Pardon the absurdity but this is so upsetting. I know despair and pain. Yet I'm upset about this event. Because it feels unnecessary, because it could have been prevented, because we might have missed the obvious, because it's unfair. Unfair to him. He's not weak, he struggled in his life, but he kept going. He probably reached a point where it was just too much. Or maybe he felt things darker than they were ? This is a man who has always been nicer than average, friendly, gentle and an overall simplicity that is not common enough. His tastes were slightly refined without being pompous. Just classy. His home reflects that. He helped many people, myself included (his ex-wife and son share that trait). I don't know more about the reasons and details. Maybe he had a bad news. A sudden anxiety stroke. Maybe he had lingering feeling of hopelessness or low self worth. I wish I could just have said how much I liked him. It's not deep love or deep friendship, just the feeling one have for the man who has always been there and never left a bad taste in your mouth. A character you can't erase from your memory. His flat will always be his flat, his door, his garden. The way he laughed, his voice, a sound I've heard for decades. Haunting. This is not someone you wish to experience the need to end it all. I so wish we could have gathered and washed his pain away or at least a bit. Maybe enough to relieve him and put him in a bearable mood.

He was there since I was born. I played with his son. He built stuff (skate quarter pipe) all kids in the block used to play. His not family per se, but in effect it's not far from that.

He's always been the same. And that's one part of the "deception" we just hit. Few days ago he told my father an old neighbor lady of us needed computer assistance. He was the usual. Helping, fixing, laughing. No signs, no obvious signs. We all knew he was a very, probably clinically, anxious person and that he took pills to help. He then had to rush to help another neighbor's mother whose house was broken-in and was busy for the whole night. The next day he met my father again saying I need to come back, but by the time I got out he wasn't home anymore. The old neighbor thought he went to help fixing the break-in again. I finally fixed her stuff and went back to reclusive mode. She was on the phone when I came in, and I overheard the discussion. I kinda understood she was talking to his ex-wife, saying he said her name a lot. Probably part of his burden. I think she came today with her son. I didn't have the courage to meet him, even though I only had tender things to say about his father. I'm weak.

Where's the undo button. This is not how I want things to be. I'm stupid for delaying the kind words I can say. It's hard for me, and it's not a thing our culture helps to grow even though it's of prime importance.

No one should leave alone.

enjoyed straightness for a minute

Something very weird happened today. I was quite happy about it at first so this will have a underlying braggy tone all along. Sitting in the train there was a bunch of girls on the row in front of me. On the way I change seats to get close to the window. One of the girl leaves early and while I look around I catch the 3rd girl face reflection. She was very pretty. Suddenly I felt an inner tension from my mouth to my stomach with projections of simply reaching her mouth. It was probably the most instense physical reaction I ever got in this entire existence. It lasted for many minutes. So much I started smiling like an idiot. Even more, glancing around I see a woman, beautiful blonde, with a skirt letting her legs fully visible from her thigh to her tiny open shoes fitting her cute feets. Now I can look at her like a fetish, impressions of playing with her legs without the usual 'forced heteronormative desire', it felt genuine, if I may say so. I got to the library with the sensation that not everything is lost, still focusing on girls face (sunny day in downtown town) with "good results", and spend a few hours reading this overwhelmingly wonderful book (totally worth a dead tree IMO). Unfortunately on my way back I reverted to my undefined-homoerotic state. With an added madness that when thinking about sex it somehow diffused to girls too. Was this also the reason I felt like I'd eat the girl in the "mirror" out ?