Tomorrow people found our neighbor has taken his own life. Pardon the absurdity but this is so upsetting. I know despair and pain. Yet I'm upset about this event. Because it feels unnecessary, because it could have been prevented, because we might have missed the obvious, because it's unfair. Unfair to him. He's not weak, he struggled in his life, but he kept going. He probably reached a point where it was just too much. Or maybe he felt things darker than they were ? This is a man who has always been nicer than average, friendly, gentle and an overall simplicity that is not common enough. His tastes were slightly refined without being pompous. Just classy. His home reflects that. He helped many people, myself included (his ex-wife and son share that trait). I don't know more about the reasons and details. Maybe he had a bad news. A sudden anxiety stroke. Maybe he had lingering feeling of hopelessness or low self worth. I wish I could just have said how much I liked him. It's not deep love or deep friendship, just the feeling one have for the man who has always been there and never left a bad taste in your mouth. A character you can't erase from your memory. His flat will always be his flat, his door, his garden. The way he laughed, his voice, a sound I've heard for decades. Haunting. This is not someone you wish to experience the need to end it all. I so wish we could have gathered and washed his pain away or at least a bit. Maybe enough to relieve him and put him in a bearable mood.
He was there since I was born. I played with his son. He built stuff (skate quarter pipe) all kids in the block used to play. His not family per se, but in effect it's not far from that.
He's always been the same. And that's one part of the "deception" we just hit. Few days ago he told my father an old neighbor lady of us needed computer assistance. He was the usual. Helping, fixing, laughing. No signs, no obvious signs. We all knew he was a very, probably clinically, anxious person and that he took pills to help. He then had to rush to help another neighbor's mother whose house was broken-in and was busy for the whole night. The next day he met my father again saying I need to come back, but by the time I got out he wasn't home anymore. The old neighbor thought he went to help fixing the break-in again. I finally fixed her stuff and went back to reclusive mode. She was on the phone when I came in, and I overheard the discussion. I kinda understood she was talking to his ex-wife, saying he said her name a lot. Probably part of his burden. I think she came today with her son. I didn't have the courage to meet him, even though I only had tender things to say about his father. I'm weak.
Where's the undo button. This is not how I want things to be. I'm stupid for delaying the kind words I can say. It's hard for me, and it's not a thing our culture helps to grow even though it's of prime importance.
No one should leave alone.
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