What is it that I feel when I believe I am gay ? This two faced feeling that if I really am gay, then all I've been through before was pointless. All the little papercuts and efforts made for others are backfiring. "No more" you'll think. You want to have everything your way, and shit on everyone or everything that will slow you down. Turning in a desire to crush their lives, not literally, but in a competitive manner. Now that you lost the core of it, you want the few remaining bits to be burning bright. You can't stand to have another sub-par thing in your life. Not when you see enjoying what you'll never have. It's bitter, an aimless final sprint. A living death.
What is it that I feel when I feel like a straight man, when I suddenly feel the need of that girl a shared a bed with. When I see myself as the guy when I see a couple kissing, that turns me into a peaceful whole. In these rare moments, I feel forgiving, compassionate, I'd live the poorest life but smiling every day at the most insignificant things. A inner force, a slow energy wave that puts you in forward motion.
Too thin a wire to walk on ...
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