Trying to investigate my old self I seek for differences in emotional reactions with buddies. I know that more than often I used to sigh for girls very quickly, get 'crushes' etc etc. I don't think it happened with guys before. Here's a list of the guys I "loved" the most. By that I mean, lengthy discussions or even expression of feelings. For now, those I recall are only sub-bro-mance feelings, no tenderness, romance, or physical attraction (obviously since my brain wasn't open to the idea of males having sensuality).
Guy #1 , childhood friend on and off, used to hangout with him around A-level because he failed and was probably depressed. Shared a taste for making music, a dis-taste for our fathers. He met his fiancee around that time so he brought me everywhere with him. Recently I learned that I was a way-out, smoothing out his father rules since he was just hanging out with the good boy that I am. Anyway things changed, my problems made me less fond of him. Which is unfair, he has always been "inclusive" friendship wise even though I'm quite cold. At one point we had a fight (because I was mad that his sister in law wasn't in love with me so I acted weird) and afterwards I felt the need to go to him to say I love him. In my dream it was a hug with a pat in the back. Some tears of apologies but nothing else. Oh, anecdote, we used to have a trendy 1cm haircut, doing it ourself with some handheld hair trimme, so we spent some times half naked in the bathroom. At the time no conscientiously repressed interest in his body (blue eyes, dark hair, pretty ribbed~ nowadays I can look at pictures of him at the time differently, and I understand why his fiancee was happy to be with him).
~ps: we used to stay late at his place, often watching porn on cable, trying to avoid waking up his parents and faking discussing sports. One time, we listened to some CDs, one including 'Calling you', we were stunned by the song and ended staring at each others face caught in the emotion of the voice. Was this a nascent homo-romantic glitch ?
Guy #2 , extra-college activity acquaintance, share a taste in far too young girls, in abstraction and dis-taste for the sad state of society. I had such long talks with him. He came at a time where I was able to speak a little. Something that was impossible with #1, too early, I didn't experienced death of family members at the time, also #2 chats were online, easier behind a screen. We reciprocated the fact that knowing each others was the only good thing we got from this activity (which was going south in a very absurd manner).
Guy #3, post-college music playing buddy, met through some internet discussion board. Shared almost nothing, except some meta-principles which made sharing the music we liked a very very enjoyable experience. I can only remember one time where he dismissed something from me on fallacious basis. He could probably say the same about me. Anyway it was a person a greatly appreciated, yet no weird feeling of jealousy when I saw his girlfriend ..
Guy #4, another music playing buddy, met the same way as #3. I should call him the gateway as he was the first .. woops I forgot my girl infatuation of the time (a recently discovered bisexual girl who caused me many stomach ache). So technically, he's the 2nd person with an "alternative lifestyle" lets say. (in many ways, he was somehow more religious than many people of this age and region). After sharing my girl problems with him we went into source of shame, then dicks, porn etc etc. Soon enough he started to throw hooks at me, naked Russian guys, videos about friend being more than close etc. After a while he expressed interest in me, at least in the fact that we should spend time at his place. I started feeling some sexual agenda and it's probably the first time someone put me in this position. I said no even though I felt a little excited by the idea of sex. I ended up being fed up with his need for my attention and for a real 'friendship' so I cut contact (or maybe he did, can't recall). No twisted stomach or regrets, even now I almost never think of him, except to retrospect~ about the status of my sexuality.
At that point I never saw gay sex or even a naked guy. Since, I did, and I also worked at a big store, close to a gay friendly area. There was one guy which had a nice body, nothing fancy just shaped. One that was interesting because he was as uninhibited as possible. He could say the darndest thing all the time, with that slightly intellectual and argumented undertone that leaves him free of shame, making the whole thing even funnier when surrounded by down to earth persons. When he left, I probably missed him for an hour or two (the other colleagues were either too shy or too stereotypical sports/tits to entertain me). There was this girl-boy that went for a day or two. We crossed eyes and I stared at him for longer than I thought. Probably the weirdest gayest moment at that workplace. Still, nothing worth dreaming or crying about. Just like any girl that get close to me. FML-ish
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