I searched for non erotic images of girls. Sleeping girls was a good search term, but I felt no pulsions. Not even caressing or cuddling. Searching for sleeping men (http://whileyouweresleepingboy.tumblr.com/) I felt wierdly excited. But it never go as far as erotic (soft or even very soft) pictures of women. It's as if i could only have romantic relationships, slowly caressing, soft kisses. Whereas women would be purely sexual. Brain off sex. Weird. Sad. I got deep and down in a second. Watching girls I feel like watching me. That's a large hint about me. Even though I dream of girls, I can't project intimacy and excitment on normal sleeping girls.
Tired.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
drug addict, brain plasticity
I think I'll need a bit of straight desire every day, I can't be happy whenever 'non-straightness' state of mind kicks in. I need it. For hope somehow, to remind me I may have a bit of the life I wanted.
Watching erotic pictures creates waves of pleasures inside my brain, also some pressure on the top. Some times for a few secs the arousal stops, leaving me cold. Then the brain pressure shifts, sometimes on the front, sometimes around the top.
I still have this weird sensation watching a girl face compared to a boy one. I hope it's just temporary instability. Is it possible that as I was unable to see me and my body as a sexual actor during sexual intercourse with a woman, "feeling" things as if I was the woman (hands caressing torsos, ass, mouth sucking), which now is mostly gone, I would be unable to perceive beauty and romantic emotions anymore and project them on guys as if I was a woman. Maybe I'm starting to wanna look like a man ... If so, sexual development would really be a subtle thing.
At the bus stop today there was plenty of young girls (thanks to road work and bus delays), some of them very pretty, one of them not at all according to my 'taste', large black face. At one point I have, no I realized there was some printed notifications on the bus post, saying to people not to wait, and using it as an excuse to be noticed by her friend (a natural doll, utterly pretty, yet dressed in rags, uncanny). As I was speaking to her, my bad sensation looking at her disappeared. My brain interpretation of vision is failing.
That's all self.
Watching erotic pictures creates waves of pleasures inside my brain, also some pressure on the top. Some times for a few secs the arousal stops, leaving me cold. Then the brain pressure shifts, sometimes on the front, sometimes around the top.
I still have this weird sensation watching a girl face compared to a boy one. I hope it's just temporary instability. Is it possible that as I was unable to see me and my body as a sexual actor during sexual intercourse with a woman, "feeling" things as if I was the woman (hands caressing torsos, ass, mouth sucking), which now is mostly gone, I would be unable to perceive beauty and romantic emotions anymore and project them on guys as if I was a woman. Maybe I'm starting to wanna look like a man ... If so, sexual development would really be a subtle thing.
At the bus stop today there was plenty of young girls (thanks to road work and bus delays), some of them very pretty, one of them not at all according to my 'taste', large black face. At one point I have, no I realized there was some printed notifications on the bus post, saying to people not to wait, and using it as an excuse to be noticed by her friend (a natural doll, utterly pretty, yet dressed in rags, uncanny). As I was speaking to her, my bad sensation looking at her disappeared. My brain interpretation of vision is failing.
That's all self.
Monday, October 28, 2013
who should i see
today is a confusing one, i spent the afternoon watching pictures of women with but i'm now in face swap drawback, girls have beard or look like transexuals, men have small feminine faces. Not all of them, not all the time though.
Even with physical attraction, if I can't look at a girl and feel touched by her face it will be fake. But it comes and go randomly. I'm also back to thinking I'm girly. Could this be the reason I obsessed about girls all my life ? subtle desire to be one ? the dislike against my body and face could be related. I wish I could scan my brain. I'm a bit hurried, spending years fixing things would be pointless. I had no life, starting at 50 ? too late.
Even with physical attraction, if I can't look at a girl and feel touched by her face it will be fake. But it comes and go randomly. I'm also back to thinking I'm girly. Could this be the reason I obsessed about girls all my life ? subtle desire to be one ? the dislike against my body and face could be related. I wish I could scan my brain. I'm a bit hurried, spending years fixing things would be pointless. I had no life, starting at 50 ? too late.
self perception glitch
woke up feeling like a girl again. watched some pictures, male models, their body isnt that different from me or girls. suddenly the feeling stops. I still think guys are cuter, but thinking of a woman's bust release something inside of me. did I shift from hetero romantic homo sexual to homo romantic hetero sexual ? am i both girl and boy ? is the difference about all sexual sides of ourselves in the brain a question of configuration that can be bended on certain circumstances ?
sometimes I think I feel for boys as a projection of what girls would feel for me. somehow similar (I probably wrote that before, can't recall) to what I felt the last 3 years about gay porn. the sudden shift/emergence of sexual desire has flipped my hetero romantism, something I'd qualify as the main part of my personality since I'm a kid, and turned it repressed ? maybe it is a stable state and I'm stuck into this other incomplete mode where I can't combine tender beauty with raw impulses.
I half-dreamt about leila again, but at one point I called her in a male pronoun (doesn't translate in english).
sometimes I think I feel for boys as a projection of what girls would feel for me. somehow similar (I probably wrote that before, can't recall) to what I felt the last 3 years about gay porn. the sudden shift/emergence of sexual desire has flipped my hetero romantism, something I'd qualify as the main part of my personality since I'm a kid, and turned it repressed ? maybe it is a stable state and I'm stuck into this other incomplete mode where I can't combine tender beauty with raw impulses.
I half-dreamt about leila again, but at one point I called her in a male pronoun (doesn't translate in english).
Sunday, October 27, 2013
denuement existentiel - plus de raisons de finir la course
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still unsure where I am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXIOKYrB7K4 the boy is damn cute, his face looks like emma de caunes. I'm really not sure I'd kiss him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t31jv7Wql7g Here I dont like the guy, I can project caressing the girl like he does, she reminds me of my childhood's friend fiance.
30+ still lost in some deep aspect of myself. stupidly crazy. Maybe that's like the porn thing, I could force myself thinking I like men's body and feel something and now it's almost gone. I keep thinking, just try .. it's simple. Maybe it won't answer everything but it will probably be better data than staring at people in my bedroom.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d89fPi4HSKE watched it twice, first time I felt the girl was a trans, I see myself in her, her face look fake too. Second time it was a bit less so. Doesn't sounds good. Maybe I fantasize about women because I feel being one. Nature forgot to finish the job on my brain.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-Yn1frFXXM unconclusive, his face looks more interesting to me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X90aJluzmP8 gay
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X90aJluzmP8 probably gay
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DgwWD4cAoj0 again
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t31jv7Wql7g Here I dont like the guy, I can project caressing the girl like he does, she reminds me of my childhood's friend fiance.
30+ still lost in some deep aspect of myself. stupidly crazy. Maybe that's like the porn thing, I could force myself thinking I like men's body and feel something and now it's almost gone. I keep thinking, just try .. it's simple. Maybe it won't answer everything but it will probably be better data than staring at people in my bedroom.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d89fPi4HSKE watched it twice, first time I felt the girl was a trans, I see myself in her, her face look fake too. Second time it was a bit less so. Doesn't sounds good. Maybe I fantasize about women because I feel being one. Nature forgot to finish the job on my brain.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-Yn1frFXXM unconclusive, his face looks more interesting to me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X90aJluzmP8 gay
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X90aJluzmP8 probably gay
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DgwWD4cAoj0 again
Saturday, October 26, 2013
newfound urges vs brain capacity, teachers
I'm thinking about how life would have been if my brain clicked earlier on women's body. I understand is how teenagers behave, nothing matters compared to what this does to your brain. This is higher than art, music, sport or any kind of mental rush I experienced. Also, I pity the teachers who have to manage these crazy minds. If I had been aware of this, I'm not sure I'd have graduated even high-school. I'd probably enjoyed following other guys around for new encounters. This is so late to realize that.
I remember girls drooling before one math teacher, I understood why, the loose teen crush on respected adult figures, he was pure handsomeness too, tall, square, lengthy hair, deep voice, uber wise .... Alpha by definition. The kind of person who gets full attention and respect just by standing there. He earns it, almost nothing he said was out of place, even when slightly insulting it was on point. Once I mumbled something a bit too loud, enough so the whole class heard me. A cold silence filled the room while they were slowly staring toward me. I crossed an unspoken rule that was deeply inside of everybody. I thought I was about to burn, but he let it slipped, maybe he didn't hear it but since everybody did ... He probably gave me a little chance.
This whole thing comes 10 years too late. I can imagine how crazy college can be now. Tons of people from far away, loose relationships, new freedoms... my god I missed so much.
I remember girls drooling before one math teacher, I understood why, the loose teen crush on respected adult figures, he was pure handsomeness too, tall, square, lengthy hair, deep voice, uber wise .... Alpha by definition. The kind of person who gets full attention and respect just by standing there. He earns it, almost nothing he said was out of place, even when slightly insulting it was on point. Once I mumbled something a bit too loud, enough so the whole class heard me. A cold silence filled the room while they were slowly staring toward me. I crossed an unspoken rule that was deeply inside of everybody. I thought I was about to burn, but he let it slipped, maybe he didn't hear it but since everybody did ... He probably gave me a little chance.
This whole thing comes 10 years too late. I can imagine how crazy college can be now. Tons of people from far away, loose relationships, new freedoms... my god I missed so much.
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