piecewise psychosexual development

My libido has lowered pretty bad recently. I don't get "in the zone" randomly as I used to the last few weeks. Even tumblr pictures don't trigger loss of control/consciousness. Sometimes I backtrack into watching porn, thinking it will bootstrap things, whereas most of the time things get worse, it's forced, not internal woman-based arousing, it's just baseless mechanical stimulation. Tonight I ran into a friend, we ended up at his place, we sipped a full champagne bottle, so I'm somehow fly, making things even more difficult, I feel a slight thrill but it dies soon. Porn did nothing, even though at times it gets a little better. I even went to gay videos just in case the last two months were just a temporary phase. It seems gay videos and male bodies don't reach in this newly found brain area that is so sensitive to woman curves, moaning and overall sexuality.

This reminds me to write down something surprising and weird. Although the out of control arousals have disappeared, whenever the sight of pending breasts or woman skin, back, butt cheeks anything from a female that turns me on I'm projected in my old child self state of mind. At christmas time. This pleasure is so acute, subtextual and yet overwhelming. It tops the peaceful craziness of a kid's mind around xmas. "sex is your last present" is something that comes again and again in my mind. It may look overrated, but really it feels exactly the same. Anything I loved, a tv show, animation, toy, it would trigger an emotion very very close to what I'm feeling right now watching this [nsfw] http://25.media.tumblr.com/4e19be3e355643fccfcfdf3cb1966f3a/tumblr_mv6y77Ur2u1qa5ljoo1_500.jpg

Nature's way of making adultehood bearable. Not far fetched right ?

This means right now I'm half down. Not fully down since it seems my gay/transexual/travestite phase was a bug. I have a few theories about it, but anyhow it seems I can reconnect with my straight memories, and close the circle into being an adult male. It only seem a possibility, and right now I wonder if I could get hard in a real situation (even today in the shower it was hard to get so). But that possibility itself make things almost alright. My friend told me stories about girl we knew, about his past girlfriends, about his handsome interns getting pussy thrown at them. I forgot why I wanted to say that. I missed out a lot I guess. Especially since I remember how horny I could be as a teen. And it wasn't even caused by the thought of girls body, just hormone rush I guess.

Oh, and I thought alcohol would affect me positively but I think being half drunk worsen things.

... out of thing to say. gonna hit the bed.

todo: 

 - meds

 - food

 - insurance