still floating in an ocean of confusion. straight pulsions are tame now. it's easy to think of me as a girl since two days. I took the bus yesterday, and I felt the warmth of a large guy standing next to me, not that different from the woman's back a few days ago. I was probably too quick to think it was a sign of orientation. That said the black girl (never liked black girls) just before him made me feel something. The way her face moved. Felt lipsy. Still lost far too easily in mens eyes. I remember caressing that girl's face the night we share her bed, it felt shallow, cheeks too small .. not sweet or anything at all. Men's faces have different cheeks, maybe I'd enjoy it. This with their eyes makes me feel bad again.
I write this because I'm starting to feel clinically angry again. Instead of turning these ideas inside, putting them into words give some temporary relief. I'd take anything right now.
Probably gonna try to pay a visit to this childhood friend I ran into the other night. I hope it won't be neither awkward (another friend told me he drinks a lot again) nor sad. I sense some free chattiness inside of me, and I'm curious about his weird girlfriend nobody ever saw.
I have to buy somehow fancy clothes for December's job, I don't wanna spend too much since it's part time minimum wage. This will be challenging if I have mood swings. Especially since I was tipped by a friend who works in the same company. Don't wanna shed a bad light on him. If this goes south, I'll bite the bullet, but I foresee a long reclusive period after that. Sometimes I feel like asking a shrink to declare me 'work incapable', and tip me for very low bedrooms. I could live for 150$ of food a month, a low amount of water and electricity. Maybe I could find some activity to avoid sucking on taxes and financial aids. Ha, projecting on the bad side of things.
Thinking last night was pretty dreamy. Lots of virtual cuddling with the bed girl. I have this guys face in mind though. He keeps popping. Stopping my fake dream and then turning it into an inception like experiment where I shift into girl clothes and fall in love with him, start going into isolated places with him, to grab his neck, kiss him and jerk him. Feels almost real, a bit too much. I always end up thinking of the girl in the end. Again, no certainty about the fact that I'm not projecting affectionate needs onto a girl because of repressed gay feelings.
I couldn't get impulse crazy thinking about women's body, and tried to watch videos. Nothing really happened. Sometimes a little chill of straightness got to me. But it wasn't frantic like last week. It seems very dependent on my mood. And videos forcing my brain too much into feeling things, pictures are less frontal, even better, reaching a natural breast fever by just drifting mentally, when this happens it feels great again.
Just before typing this I went throwing some jabs in front of a window, not very fast, but I saw myself, and I'm so thin. My body is an unfinished business.
ps: I'm tired, very tired. I see people busy with their lives. I may be wrong, but they have no idea how it is when some low level parts of you aren't set up the right way. I'm crippled about things that gives your life a direction. I'm non-living. It's been that way since I'm 12. They're full of memories of strong emotions and relationships, a sense of self slowly crafted with life "experience". I'm filled with loneliness, guilt, anger, shame and doubts. Walking in a desert, eating my nails, wind facing myself.
Maybe I'm just over complicating things, some people might think that way, but to me, at best, I lack carnal data, I think they sense the world while I'm blind, and their blind to that. That's what I feel when I have this pulsions. Planet aligns. Everything is in sync. My self perception is stable and solid. The physical needs giving this incommensurate boost to anything. Life becomes a mall and I just got a lot of free money. Destroy everything. Before that I need to try. I can't stop it all without this. No matter how much I despise the possibilty that I might be gay.
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