bad and short panic attack - non erotism

I searched for non erotic images of girls. Sleeping girls was a good search term, but I felt no pulsions. Not even caressing or cuddling. Searching for sleeping men (http://whileyouweresleepingboy.tumblr.com/) I felt wierdly excited. But it never go as far as erotic (soft or even very soft) pictures of women. It's as if i could only have romantic relationships, slowly caressing, soft kisses. Whereas women would be purely sexual. Brain off sex. Weird. Sad. I got deep and down in a second. Watching girls I feel like watching me. That's a large hint about me. Even though I dream of girls, I can't project intimacy and excitment on normal sleeping girls.

Tired.

drug addict, brain plasticity

I think I'll need a bit of straight desire every day, I can't be happy whenever 'non-straightness' state of mind kicks in. I need it. For hope somehow, to remind me I may have a bit of the life I wanted.

Watching erotic pictures creates waves of pleasures inside my brain, also some pressure on the top. Some times for a few secs the arousal stops, leaving me cold. Then the brain pressure shifts, sometimes on the front, sometimes around the top.

I still have this weird sensation watching a girl face compared to a boy one. I hope it's just temporary instability. Is it possible that as I was unable to see me and my body as a sexual actor during sexual intercourse with a woman, "feeling" things as if I was the woman (hands caressing torsos, ass, mouth sucking), which now is mostly gone, I would be unable to perceive beauty and romantic emotions anymore and project them on guys as if I was a woman. Maybe I'm starting to wanna look like a man ... If so, sexual development would really be a subtle thing.

At the bus stop today there was plenty of young girls (thanks to road work and bus delays), some of them very pretty, one  of them not at all according to my 'taste', large black face. At one point I have, no I realized there was some printed notifications on the bus post, saying to people not to wait, and using it as an excuse to be noticed by her friend (a natural doll, utterly pretty, yet dressed in rags, uncanny). As I was speaking to her, my bad sensation looking at her disappeared. My brain interpretation of vision is failing.

That's all self.

who should i see

today is a confusing one, i spent the afternoon watching pictures of women with  but i'm now in face swap drawback, girls have beard or look like transexuals, men have small feminine faces. Not all of them, not all the time though.


Even with physical attraction, if I can't look at a girl and feel touched by her face it will be fake. But it comes and go randomly. I'm also back to thinking I'm girly. Could this be the reason I obsessed about girls all my life ? subtle desire to be one ? the dislike against my body and face could be related. I wish I could scan my brain. I'm a bit hurried, spending years fixing things would be pointless. I had no life, starting at 50 ? too late.

self perception glitch

woke up feeling like a girl again. watched some pictures, male models, their body isnt that different from me or girls. suddenly the feeling stops. I still think guys are cuter, but thinking of a woman's bust release something inside of me. did I shift from hetero romantic homo sexual to homo romantic hetero sexual ? am i both girl and boy ? is the difference about all sexual sides of ourselves in the brain a question of configuration that can be bended on certain circumstances ?

sometimes I think I feel for boys as a projection of what girls would feel for me. somehow similar (I probably wrote that before, can't recall) to what I felt the last 3 years about gay porn. the sudden shift/emergence of sexual desire has flipped my hetero romantism, something I'd qualify as the main part of my personality since I'm a kid, and turned it repressed ? maybe it is a stable state and I'm stuck into this other incomplete mode where I can't combine tender beauty with raw impulses.

I half-dreamt about leila again, but at one point I called her in a male pronoun (doesn't translate in english).

denuement existentiel - plus de raisons de finir la course

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still unsure where I am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXIOKYrB7K4 the boy is damn cute, his face looks like emma de caunes. I'm really not sure I'd kiss him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t31jv7Wql7g Here I dont like the guy, I can project caressing the girl like he does, she reminds me of my childhood's friend fiance.

30+ still lost in some deep aspect of myself. stupidly crazy. Maybe that's like the porn thing, I could force myself thinking I like men's body and feel something and now it's almost gone. I keep thinking, just try .. it's simple. Maybe it won't answer everything but it will probably be better data than staring at people in my bedroom.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d89fPi4HSKE watched it twice, first time I felt the girl was a trans, I see myself in her, her face look fake too. Second time it was a bit less so. Doesn't sounds good. Maybe I fantasize about women because I feel being one. Nature forgot to finish the job on my brain.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-Yn1frFXXM unconclusive, his face looks more interesting to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X90aJluzmP8 gay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X90aJluzmP8 probably gay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DgwWD4cAoj0 again

newfound urges vs brain capacity, teachers

I'm thinking about how life would have been if my brain clicked earlier on women's body. I understand is how teenagers behave, nothing matters compared to what this does to your brain. This is higher than art, music, sport or any kind of mental rush I experienced. Also, I pity the teachers who have to manage these crazy minds. If I had been aware of this, I'm not sure I'd have graduated even high-school. I'd probably enjoyed following other guys around for new encounters. This is so late to realize that.

I remember girls drooling before one math teacher, I understood why, the loose teen crush on respected adult figures, he was pure handsomeness too, tall, square, lengthy hair, deep voice, uber wise .... Alpha by definition. The kind of person who gets full attention and respect just by standing there. He earns it, almost nothing he said was out of place, even when slightly insulting it was on point. Once I mumbled something a bit too loud, enough so the whole class heard me. A cold silence filled the room while they were slowly staring toward me. I crossed an unspoken rule that was deeply inside of everybody. I thought I was about to burn, but he let it slipped, maybe he didn't hear it but since everybody did ... He probably gave me a little chance.

This whole thing comes 10 years too late. I can imagine how crazy college can be now. Tons of people from far away, loose relationships, new freedoms... my god I missed so much.

another dreadful day

today had no girl time. I'm dark and hateful. I can't stand the others.

Still trying to see how I feel on pictures, nothing works (gay or not), sometimes half naked women with nice breasts trigger something. Maybe a little space in my brain left to build new 'porn' feelings.

As I'm searching for a sexology specialist, I think that before spilling my life to a doctor, maybe I could just try something at a bar. Reading about 'first kisses' on boards, I have thoughts of kissing, and unlike the last weeks where male bodies had just a few times a lasting effect on me, and only 'nasty' ones, I see myself touching his, shoulder to butt, dicks touching, pleasuring. Another sign I should give up on girls. As I finish this thought, the very next one is to ask a girl to sleep with her now that I know I'm homosexual so we can cuddle. Weird.

Speaking about cuddling, I remember the movie girl, sleeping close to her face was one of the main thought I had this day.

ps:

watching couple making out, dunno which side I am, but it's rare that I feel like the guy

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZGVyLTp8Pw‎

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmr14sf_Wcs&feature=player_detailpage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3bdvCHzHsU

fucked up brain rollercoaster

After a few days of having straight pulsions, very concrete long ones, i'm having a backfire night. it hurts so bad. I should have guessed this wasn't solid, since I enjoyed women bodies (as close as I could get) but their faces looked less cute than I used to feel whereas guys look softly beautiful. It was a weird session (i'm close to be done with all this, I can't take it, it's a purposeless struggle) where I felt male, man, me and pumped again. I texted jokes to buddies I barely talked to before. Things were almost perfect. And now back to square one. What the fuck is happening in me. Is it sexual identity instability ? How come sometimes I see myself as the guy and sometimes I feel like watching somebody else. Sometimes arousing thoughts invade my spine and then it's a cold emptiness. I hope this is just very high anxiety interacting badly with sex drive. Hold on... it's coming back a little. I seriously need this. Even bi, but I need it. I didn't know how it felt before but I can't go back to woman-less life. This afternoon just watching a documentary about women orgasm, and their moanings made me lose balance. I need to feel it. Until too old to get it up. My suicidal tendancies are back. With this weird burn under my skin. The latent loss ... It was so good I jerked off 4 times today. In the shower it was 2 fat streams of cum against the glass door. It felt genuine, not forced. I felt it, in my hands, my mouth, my body. Now almost nothing. ...

edit :

I'm gonna find someone to talk about this. I hope it will take some pressure off of me. Then I'll have to try first hand. A gay bar seems a logical first, since right now I feel more able to kiss a guy. If I feel something, I think I will, everytime a guy kiss a girl I have a slight stomach ache, not something that says 'hmm i wanna do that'. Fuck. Oh also, I need to ask my mom what she meant about 'line being crossed' when I was 4. I think it's not as ugly as I can imagine but it has to be put off my mind. The other my mom took the issue of 'seeing his child having problems' on the table, suggesting that I go to see a shrink, she can't even tell me in details what she said to him and what changed in her mind thanks to that. She beats around the bush. Not really wise and mature. And she keep putting this one month small job a friend got me as if it had any real importance. Either she's lost in her emotions about me and can't say what she means, either she really does not understand that it's only to bootstrap some movement and stop staying in my bedroom all day long.
btw: the girl who manages the shop I'll be working at has nice eyes. Few days ago I could see me filrting with her. Not tonight. Random thought, this afternoon, while I was in full heterosexual maniac mode, my father came back with a friend, I was so pumped I came to say high to him in a frank manner I never display. I wanna feel like this again.

edit 2 :

I really don't understand how come I feel so much when I'm around a girl and when I'm in my bedroom I don't feel the same, or only at some point. When I felt this pulsions they came right away. Just a pair of legs and I had this electric arc through me, to my hands and my crotch. Now if I look at a girl picture I feel as if I didn't wanna feel it again, a repression of some kind. Maybe I'm forcing it and fear kicks in.

edit 3 :

sometimes I feel like I distorded my emotions after forcing to feel something by watching other people doing it. Maybe my brain can't interpret images freely now and everything has been blurred out. Maybe that's why I have different reaction live and in my room. A voice, someone's eyes, smell or warmth can trigger different reactions too I guess. Watching kissing videos I feel something if I look at the girl lips, it seems I am the girl. That would go in hand with the beauty I find in guys nowadays. But then I dont understand why her back seems so caress-y. So efffin weird how much I wanted a woman's hips so bad. sucking on her nipple hard, and licking from her belly to her crotch continuously. It's barely there now. How come I got hard at the movies just looking at that girl. It ran so deep in me... Was I abused by a woman and have a hard time having intimate contact with one ? maybe a man ? and can't express male libido because of a past trauma ? maybe it confused my sense of sexual identity.

final edit :

chances of being at least bi are stable, I just came watching http://www.xvideos.com/video706422/adriana_faust_scene_1 quite largely, my keyboard is stained. I now understand why strip tease is so successful. Just watching her move around is so damn maddeningly frustrating. Ah monkey brains. I love her body, I wish I knew a call girl like this, I'd pay her a visit and some more tomorrow. I still dont understand what happens in my brain. I hope this transition will land where I need it to be.

final final edit : while I was in distress earlier, I searched for some picture of colleagues of that girl I slept with. Couldn't find the one I wanted but I stumbled upon some of her trying clothes. I kinda miss her and I think she's a little prettier than I remember. If I end up bi I wonder if I'll have a chance to have a night with her. I'd like to fall asleep against her half naked. Even if it's only once.

ps : I hope to stay stable for the next two monthes, otherwise that december job will be very hard to sustain.

another full swing day

For a few days I'm almost constantly aroused by thoughts and pictures of naked women. A whole area of blurry meanings just faded away, replaced by a new world of crystal clear ones: turn on, light my fire, ...
I feel so nastily alive when it happens, I'm positive and motivated. I also have sweet and hot dreams with low confusion grade (I sometimes wonder if I'm not seeing girls for guys but it doesn't last). This made myself pretty motivated and happy today. Going downtown to find something my mother needed and also an extra part to fix my cousin's computer. Even when it's not for me I wanna do things. So I took the bus, but no more excitation. On the opposite, I, again, locked in guys eyes all the time. Whereas girls barely made my mind think. By the time I got to the store I was so deeply down, I felt like crying. All the guys were cute. Face doesn't really matter when you're dealing with sex. So I started to think about their body. Nothing came, but at the same time, nothing came with girls either. When picking the last item I needed I stood close to a very very pretty girl. I felt a little bit dizzy but again nothing like what I feel in my bedroom (or what I felt the other day at the movies and in the tram). Again dark mood.

In the train on my way back avoided looking at guys too much. A girl standing in front of me caught my attention. Young, nice body, grungy jeans. After she moved to get a seat I started to have fantasies again. Suddenly my personnality shifted, instead of avoiding her eyes, I felt I could sustain it and almost make contact, talk and walk with her somewhere to make love. With that thought came a need to find a girl to make love, anyone, I wanted a women's body and her moaning. I even thought to knock on my neighbors door in case she was alone at home (she's single I believe). Other funny thoughts came, like getting any girl in my bedroom, and fuck until we're out of juice, then my parents would come home and be greeted with a random girl in my room watching tv on my bed. Something any teenager did, something I thought was impossible. Not even conceivable, I couldn't emotionally envision bringing a girl home, period. I didn't know what I could bring her, it was absent from my mind, thus there was no logical path to 'this girl is pretty' 'invite her'. To do what ?. And now it makes sense, we'd enjoy ourselves and then she'd do what she wants. I wouldn't have to be anything, unlike before when I thought I needed to be different, to be better ... Now I saw my hands reaching in her back, sliding on her soft slightly fat body, her hips, her snatch, her ass. Tearing and ripping her underwear. I was such a drug. I have no idea how this urges never triggered when I was a teen. There were some times where I interacted closely with girls I had feelings for (girl jumping on me at the swimming pool, locking me between her thighs) but not even 0.000000001% of the slightest emotion came. I was just comatose when it comes to girls. Can high anxiety have such affect on your body ?

Back to my trip back home. I still felt some slight interest, attraction would be too strong, towards the guys on the bus after that. Thinking this one has a nice face, how it would be easy to touch his leg, maybe kiss him, but the sex part was lacking, no cosmic sensation in my back and my stomach, no animal need to reach orgasm with him. But at the same time there was something soft, as if I could be his girlfriend (my head's dizzy as I type this), caress his face, hold his hand, a different love from the one I feel for girls (not less or more, just different). Maybe this is part of me, and maybe if you get there with a guy, even though you don't fantasize that much about fucking, you may kiss, tongue, lick .. I don't know.
I really don't know anything. But god (yes god, you nonexistent you) I hope I'm at least Bi. Fully straight would be the greatest gift I could imagine. Like coming back to life after 20 years of undesired socio-emotional nihilism. A final christmas gift to say goodbye to the infant I wouldn't be anymore, now I'd have deep things to say, and share with girls.

another confusing dream

woke up thinking about this girl, holding her in my mind, sleeping together making love, then switched again. more exciting, simple sexual pulsion. I'm exhausted by all this. I wanna end it.

ps: I noticed yesterday, my manners aren't that effeminate compared to other guys. Hand positions, finger usage. Overthinking distorts at least this notion that I'm different from them in this regard. That said I still don't know what is gonna make me fully click sexually. I can only hold on to the feelings of joy I have, or the gut twisting jealousy when I think of some girl. *breath*

someone's 31st birthday and a homeless test drive

Junior high school guy took me to a bar for his birthday. Told him about my issues. Didn't really take it seriously and doesn't really understand how long my loneliness has been going on. It was interesting to see how they perceived me in college though. I really looked like a normal happy guy. I don't think he got that I was following people out of anxiety of being me (something that is still not well defined in a social context). Only girl there was the bartender. She was pretty, I couldn't help but to stare at her from time to time. But as the night went, I started to notice his friends, one that had a soft feminine face, uncanny. Other ones lot less pretty, but I could look at their body. And it felt as if it would be possible to fondle them. At the same time that cute bartender looked less and less interesting. I drowned into a sad anger. Buddy dropped me back but I forgot my keys. I was already cold from the inner distress, and got a free 2 hour wait-outside-you-moron because I wouldn't dare wake up my parents for my mystake. While I was coasting I thought about the girl with a tiny little more projected fantasies. That gave me some relief to help the cold wait. Now I inside, and gonna warm up under the blanket. I feel ill already. Being homeless in winter must be a living hell.

gray day

after a deeply moved day, this one was blurry.

no message from the fiancee

high school buddy asked me to come to a bar for a birthday beer, too worried to say yes for now

mother needed money for the house, went to pay half with her

mother rant about father for stupid reason, she will never understand their relationship is fucked up and that whatever she says he will never care since she doesn't care about him anymore

mother cannot stop to harass me for a dirty comb she doesnt even use

I cant hold it, I insult her, she's angry because 'I curse to her'. fuck this whore. she keeps bullying people for the stupidest reason, saying im a dirty lazy fuck or some other loving mother's adjective. So many violent thoughts came to me.

I clean some thing and pick up the trash, on the way out i meet 'childhood friends' weird i wasnt ready to speak.

Thinking just yesterday I was full of dreamy pulsion, tonight' fog of sexual orientation is killing me. I hope my pillow will work.

in-fans

Infant, Latin infans, means non speaking. I didn't get the real meaning, it's not about physically speaking, but the desire to express one's self. Usually it's around teenage-hood that this process takes place I believe. I think it's happening to me now. It's two fold, first I care less and less about others people feelings whenever I speak, I held it for too long, so long it hurt (the void of people never knowing what you felt for years) so now "fuck it". Lastly, unlike before where I was 'submerged' by others people thought and feelings, I had the crippling mental limit to feel that my ideas were vaporous; now it's the opposite, I feel a lot better throwing things out and letting my mind sink into others.

emotional or physical

I don't know what sex feels. Shared one. Not self pleasuring. I only know that I get affectionate urges towards girls easily. Just stared at my wall thinking about a childhood fiancee. She makes me wanna dance and sing. Sometimes I just wanna hold her against me just to give her a warm and sweet sensation. It's not even for me, it's very large outcome of emotions that I can barely hold and I need to give it to her. I don't know what sex feels, but every time I look at a beautiful girl and doesn't feel the usual mesmerized lock, I have a dark and cold vibe saying "you're fooling yourself, you're made for men". It's the highest distress I've had to deal with by far. It's a loss of your self. It's worse than the death of related. It's too early. I need to feel sure with girls, then I think I'll be able to extend horizons. I don't know what sex feels. I couldn't connect girls, skin and affection before, and right now I still can't connect sexual attributes to pleasure or deep sexual needs people seems to display. Girliness is still attracting somehow but compared to a real sexual act will it last ? is it a first step toward something more profound or is it just something easy to obsess about when a kid that will lead into a void ? ... I've never done so many 'cross' signs in my life.

ps: it's so weird to have to fuck to know if you can. what an unnecessary thing to do...

old friendly feeling visit

Another switch today. As I wait to enter the theater I notice a girl, I feel a warm fuzz through me, almost half hard, I stared at her the whole movie, to the point I had a jealousy attack when I noticed a guy at the end of her row staring at her for a little too long for my tastes. I ran out of the restroom after the movie and caught up walking out. And did nothing. Am I just that much of a wuss (keven would probably say 'everyone knows that'). I tried to calm my mind but I was blank. Of course it means as soon as I was alone after we parted ways, I started to have so many things to say and share ...
The morning my brain was in bi mode, I think I saw 12 guys in a row with pretty faces. But after the movie I couldn't find a single one worth of staring even for a second. Is it a psychosomatic side-effect ? I was pumped and couldn't control my smile. Every girl felt smooth from a distance, I could project cuddles and tender caress, something you want to never end.
A little later as I was watching some girl channel, I had a weird flash, it's really that instable, sometimes looking at kisses I feel being the girl, sometimes it's not. Sometimes it comes after a few seconds. Whenever I'm not in the guy's role a fright chill run through my body. Very scary.

ps: it seems my recent encounters with girls are showing a weird effect. Somehow somewhere in my brain I sense a difference with my last-decades self. I have a notion of touch and love now. I can imagine puting my hands on a girl as a way to express affection and/or attraction. This is new. It seems just sleeping with this girl, even though she rejected me before we could even spoon or cuddle, did break some virginal aspect of my relationship with my body, my emotions and other persons. Deeply troubling, both thrilling to feel part of humanity but at the same time I can't expect things to turn out the way I want.

never vs not anymore

I'm still affraid. Today was a weird day. Went downtown to get some things at a shop for vader. All the cashier has some heavy bisexual trait. Or I'm just into them. Anyway, on the way back I had to switch transports (people were walking on railroads further on), and took the tram. It was packed, and I got stuck between a somehow cute girl, and a woman. I couldn't help breathing the cute one, my head was in her hair. As usual her neck and shoulders moved me (I'm tired of this shit, why is my brain so obsessed with that). But at the same time, I felt a huge warmth from the woman. I was pressed against her quite a bit, she didn't say anything (too busy on the phone and with her little girl), so it was almost cuddling. It was so soft, so deeply soft, fuck I would give a lot just to hold her close to me again. I noted where she left. Her body was so slender and tender at the same time. Not too chubby, not too thin. And that warmth. I've never felt someone so warm like this, a walking heater. After that most people got out, including the cute one. I saw a lot of beautiful girls, one left her eyes in the back of my brain, I started having images of us dancing in a little flat after dinner, just me goofing around because I want to make her happy. Some interesting guys too. But I was still thinking about the first two. On the next transport swap (train->tram->train[here]->bus) I saw another bunch of damn pretty girls. One in particular. So much I stopped and sat on the first bench after her. And I held my head in my hands, not between my knees, but quite low. I'm really lost and tired. In the bus again, lost of beautiful girls. I'd like to know how other guys feel, is it the warmth burn of their skin and affection that they crave or is it just a hunger for their genitals that may lead to love.

I'm also tired of this recurring romantic fantasies with every girl I meet. Nothing makes sense. Orientation, identity, love, sex... It's very weird when a core part of your being starts to crack like this, and so late.

I can't stop comparing my painful emotional context to other people. I have a hard time finding things harder than this because even if some people's life don't have a purpose anymore, they had one. Mine seems to never had one, a failed experiment in unbalanced compromises.

Sometimes I feel like I should have been a woman, hence my reaction toward their beauty. I don't think my sense of survival can overcome this nonsense.

tiresome twist plot

I'm not interested in spending the rest of this life realizing all the things that I did by mimetism. There will be no pleasure of enlightenment about understanding I acted this way, or felt something because of peer pressure and social normation. It will only "revive" the feeling of losing my life and youth, triple it, and leave me empty. F.
Leaving this note with the same feeling of existence absurdity. I only get through by acting like the character in Cast Away. I survive, I'm not living.

meaningless self -- long keven

It's been long time since I talked to him. Few days ago my last 'friend' advised me to send him a mail asap but I don't feel like it. I'm too sad and lost, I have nothing new to tell him, and everything else he knows already (yes, I think about him, I hope he's happily married). Should I say him I think about ending my life every two days or so. Can I keep bitching about things that seem so close yet so far from me. It feels like a kid not willing to make a step forward. It's almost true, but I'm asked to step off a cliff to verify I will die upon reaching ground.

I wonder why I'm so fucked up by girls and even more so how am I gonna be when (if) I fall in love for real, considering the theory (the main one these days) that my girl crushes are a fake artefact of years thinking I was straight. I really am a void of a person. Reminds me of Inception when the lead explains that his recreation and memories are just a superficial incarnation of his love's past reality. Am I, and was I a fake subversion of myself ?

i cannot rationalize it

it feels like robbing existence out of someone
an infinite absurd and silent pain that turns everything else pointless
so unfair you can't accept it
only grieving parents can understand

25th hour

absurdity so high anything I do feels like a last meal

ego centered motivation

I stopped biking. After 6 weeks of very diligent and regular 30-50 min of exercise, I can't find the will to do it again. 50 seems too long, even 40 minutes is too long, I can push impatiently for 20 and then go away. This is not the first time I see this, but before I couldn't even last 6 week. As soon as I finished the challenge all motivation went away. I'd hope that the 21 days to turn anything into a simple habit was would work, but it only did so partially. I tried to see this not as a challenge or an effort but more as a journey into perceiving my body, gently flirting on my limits to avoid burning but it failed. Now all I do is push ups, crunches, horse stance and air-boxing. Maybe I should reintegrate 20 minutes of bike before the muscles part. It would be a good warm up and cardio, improving the duration and efficiency of the other exercises anyway.