For a few days I'm almost constantly aroused by thoughts and pictures of naked women. A whole area of blurry meanings just faded away, replaced by a new world of crystal clear ones: turn on, light my fire, ...
I feel so nastily alive when it happens, I'm positive and motivated. I also have sweet and hot dreams with low confusion grade (I sometimes wonder if I'm not seeing girls for guys but it doesn't last). This made myself pretty motivated and happy today. Going downtown to find something my mother needed and also an extra part to fix my cousin's computer. Even when it's not for me I wanna do things. So I took the bus, but no more excitation. On the opposite, I, again, locked in guys eyes all the time. Whereas girls barely made my mind think. By the time I got to the store I was so deeply down, I felt like crying. All the guys were cute. Face doesn't really matter when you're dealing with sex. So I started to think about their body. Nothing came, but at the same time, nothing came with girls either. When picking the last item I needed I stood close to a very very pretty girl. I felt a little bit dizzy but again nothing like what I feel in my bedroom (or what I felt the other day at the movies and in the tram). Again dark mood.
In the train on my way back avoided looking at guys too much. A girl standing in front of me caught my attention. Young, nice body, grungy jeans. After she moved to get a seat I started to have fantasies again. Suddenly my personnality shifted, instead of avoiding her eyes, I felt I could sustain it and almost make contact, talk and walk with her somewhere to make love. With that thought came a need to find a girl to make love, anyone, I wanted a women's body and her moaning. I even thought to knock on my neighbors door in case she was alone at home (she's single I believe). Other funny thoughts came, like getting any girl in my bedroom, and fuck until we're out of juice, then my parents would come home and be greeted with a random girl in my room watching tv on my bed. Something any teenager did, something I thought was impossible. Not even conceivable, I couldn't emotionally envision bringing a girl home, period. I didn't know what I could bring her, it was absent from my mind, thus there was no logical path to 'this girl is pretty' 'invite her'. To do what ?. And now it makes sense, we'd enjoy ourselves and then she'd do what she wants. I wouldn't have to be anything, unlike before when I thought I needed to be different, to be better ... Now I saw my hands reaching in her back, sliding on her soft slightly fat body, her hips, her snatch, her ass. Tearing and ripping her underwear. I was such a drug. I have no idea how this urges never triggered when I was a teen. There were some times where I interacted closely with girls I had feelings for (girl jumping on me at the swimming pool, locking me between her thighs) but not even 0.000000001% of the slightest emotion came. I was just comatose when it comes to girls. Can high anxiety have such affect on your body ?
Back to my trip back home. I still felt some slight interest, attraction would be too strong, towards the guys on the bus after that. Thinking this one has a nice face, how it would be easy to touch his leg, maybe kiss him, but the sex part was lacking, no cosmic sensation in my back and my stomach, no animal need to reach orgasm with him. But at the same time there was something soft, as if I could be his girlfriend (my head's dizzy as I type this), caress his face, hold his hand, a different love from the one I feel for girls (not less or more, just different). Maybe this is part of me, and maybe if you get there with a guy, even though you don't fantasize that much about fucking, you may kiss, tongue, lick .. I don't know.
I really don't know anything. But god (yes god, you nonexistent you) I hope I'm at least Bi. Fully straight would be the greatest gift I could imagine. Like coming back to life after 20 years of undesired socio-emotional nihilism. A final christmas gift to say goodbye to the infant I wouldn't be anymore, now I'd have deep things to say, and share with girls.
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