After a few days of having straight pulsions, very concrete long ones, i'm having a backfire night. it hurts so bad. I should have guessed this wasn't solid, since I enjoyed women bodies (as close as I could get) but their faces looked less cute than I used to feel whereas guys look softly beautiful. It was a weird session (i'm close to be done with all this, I can't take it, it's a purposeless struggle) where I felt male, man, me and pumped again. I texted jokes to buddies I barely talked to before. Things were almost perfect. And now back to square one. What the fuck is happening in me. Is it sexual identity instability ? How come sometimes I see myself as the guy and sometimes I feel like watching somebody else. Sometimes arousing thoughts invade my spine and then it's a cold emptiness. I hope this is just very high anxiety interacting badly with sex drive. Hold on... it's coming back a little. I seriously need this. Even bi, but I need it. I didn't know how it felt before but I can't go back to woman-less life. This afternoon just watching a documentary about women orgasm, and their moanings made me lose balance. I need to feel it. Until too old to get it up. My suicidal tendancies are back. With this weird burn under my skin. The latent loss ... It was so good I jerked off 4 times today. In the shower it was 2 fat streams of cum against the glass door. It felt genuine, not forced. I felt it, in my hands, my mouth, my body. Now almost nothing. ...
edit :
I'm gonna find someone to talk about this. I hope it will take some pressure off of me. Then I'll have to try first hand. A gay bar seems a logical first, since right now I feel more able to kiss a guy. If I feel something, I think I will, everytime a guy kiss a girl I have a slight stomach ache, not something that says 'hmm i wanna do that'. Fuck. Oh also, I need to ask my mom what she meant about 'line being crossed' when I was 4. I think it's not as ugly as I can imagine but it has to be put off my mind. The other my mom took the issue of 'seeing his child having problems' on the table, suggesting that I go to see a shrink, she can't even tell me in details what she said to him and what changed in her mind thanks to that. She beats around the bush. Not really wise and mature. And she keep putting this one month small job a friend got me as if it had any real importance. Either she's lost in her emotions about me and can't say what she means, either she really does not understand that it's only to bootstrap some movement and stop staying in my bedroom all day long.
btw: the girl who manages the shop I'll be working at has nice eyes. Few days ago I could see me filrting with her. Not tonight. Random thought, this afternoon, while I was in full heterosexual maniac mode, my father came back with a friend, I was so pumped I came to say high to him in a frank manner I never display. I wanna feel like this again.
edit 2 :
I really don't understand how come I feel so much when I'm around a girl and when I'm in my bedroom I don't feel the same, or only at some point. When I felt this pulsions they came right away. Just a pair of legs and I had this electric arc through me, to my hands and my crotch. Now if I look at a girl picture I feel as if I didn't wanna feel it again, a repression of some kind. Maybe I'm forcing it and fear kicks in.
edit 3 :
sometimes I feel like I distorded my emotions after forcing to feel something by watching other people doing it. Maybe my brain can't interpret images freely now and everything has been blurred out. Maybe that's why I have different reaction live and in my room. A voice, someone's eyes, smell or warmth can trigger different reactions too I guess. Watching kissing videos I feel something if I look at the girl lips, it seems I am the girl. That would go in hand with the beauty I find in guys nowadays. But then I dont understand why her back seems so caress-y. So efffin weird how much I wanted a woman's hips so bad. sucking on her nipple hard, and licking from her belly to her crotch continuously. It's barely there now. How come I got hard at the movies just looking at that girl. It ran so deep in me... Was I abused by a woman and have a hard time having intimate contact with one ? maybe a man ? and can't express male libido because of a past trauma ? maybe it confused my sense of sexual identity.
final edit :
chances of being at least bi are stable, I just came watching http://www.xvideos.com/video706422/adriana_faust_scene_1 quite largely, my keyboard is stained. I now understand why strip tease is so successful. Just watching her move around is so damn maddeningly frustrating. Ah monkey brains. I love her body, I wish I knew a call girl like this, I'd pay her a visit and some more tomorrow. I still dont understand what happens in my brain. I hope this transition will land where I need it to be.
final final edit : while I was in distress earlier, I searched for some picture of colleagues of that girl I slept with. Couldn't find the one I wanted but I stumbled upon some of her trying clothes. I kinda miss her and I think she's a little prettier than I remember. If I end up bi I wonder if I'll have a chance to have a night with her. I'd like to fall asleep against her half naked. Even if it's only once.
ps : I hope to stay stable for the next two monthes, otherwise that december job will be very hard to sustain.
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