never vs not anymore

I'm still affraid. Today was a weird day. Went downtown to get some things at a shop for vader. All the cashier has some heavy bisexual trait. Or I'm just into them. Anyway, on the way back I had to switch transports (people were walking on railroads further on), and took the tram. It was packed, and I got stuck between a somehow cute girl, and a woman. I couldn't help breathing the cute one, my head was in her hair. As usual her neck and shoulders moved me (I'm tired of this shit, why is my brain so obsessed with that). But at the same time, I felt a huge warmth from the woman. I was pressed against her quite a bit, she didn't say anything (too busy on the phone and with her little girl), so it was almost cuddling. It was so soft, so deeply soft, fuck I would give a lot just to hold her close to me again. I noted where she left. Her body was so slender and tender at the same time. Not too chubby, not too thin. And that warmth. I've never felt someone so warm like this, a walking heater. After that most people got out, including the cute one. I saw a lot of beautiful girls, one left her eyes in the back of my brain, I started having images of us dancing in a little flat after dinner, just me goofing around because I want to make her happy. Some interesting guys too. But I was still thinking about the first two. On the next transport swap (train->tram->train[here]->bus) I saw another bunch of damn pretty girls. One in particular. So much I stopped and sat on the first bench after her. And I held my head in my hands, not between my knees, but quite low. I'm really lost and tired. In the bus again, lost of beautiful girls. I'd like to know how other guys feel, is it the warmth burn of their skin and affection that they crave or is it just a hunger for their genitals that may lead to love.

I'm also tired of this recurring romantic fantasies with every girl I meet. Nothing makes sense. Orientation, identity, love, sex... It's very weird when a core part of your being starts to crack like this, and so late.

I can't stop comparing my painful emotional context to other people. I have a hard time finding things harder than this because even if some people's life don't have a purpose anymore, they had one. Mine seems to never had one, a failed experiment in unbalanced compromises.

Sometimes I feel like I should have been a woman, hence my reaction toward their beauty. I don't think my sense of survival can overcome this nonsense.