le travail c'est a peu pres la sante

Un ami d'enfance m'avait forwarde une annonce pour un job a temps (tres) partiel dans une boutique. Vu que ca coincidait un peu avec une remontee vers la surface j'ai accepte, d'autant plus que c'est un job sans responsabilite ni competences. 4 jours et deja des effets tres marques se font sentir.

1. C'est d'un ennui mortel. J'avais deja bosse dans la vente, dans la restauration, celui la combine les deux mais dans un tout autre secteur, marque connue tendance artisanat 'luxueux', le tout dans un quartier tres bourgeois empli principalement de touristes. Il doit y'avoir 50 clients grand maximum en jour de semaine. Voila. Les taches sont inutiles, deballer, remballer, rotation de stock.

2. Quitte a se faire chier, autant tenter dans le dev, peut-etre un truc relativement planque dans le web.

3. C'est juste 2h30 mais c'est suffisant pour se sentir libere une fois fini. Ca donne un poids au temps libre la soiree, je suis a la limite de la frenesie, je cours, je gobe tout, je ne m'arrete pas une seconde.

4. Contre-intuitif mais cette energie ne se transmet pas dans mes exercices sportifs, c'est le contraire, le fait de penser a cette fin d'apres-midi coupe l'envie de suer. Probablement que la motivation principale pour faire du sport les mois precedant etait cette angoisse sous-jacente due a l'inactivite. Un peu comme la violence morale de ma situation en debut d'annee me donnait une plus grande force pour puncher, pourtant mes bras, abdos et torse n'etaient pas en etat (je ne pouvais pas faire deux pompes).

5. C'est remunere. Au final cette activite peu angoissante (ca m'angoisse, mais il n'y a pas de pression commerciale due a une masse de clients, ni d'efforts intellectuels a faire) recadre ma perception du temps et redonne un rythme de vie plus sain, et apportera un peu de fric pour Noel.

Conclusion, je ne peux qu'etre de l'avis que les chomeurs devraient etre oblige de passer quelques heures dans une activite, il y'a des besoins pour les associations charitatives, de quartiers etc, tout l'monde y gagnerait.

refoulement -- projection scripturales

J'hesite a ecrire comme je pense
cad des dialogues avec personne
le meme blocage se fait ressentir que lorsque que j'ai ecrit ma premiere lettre
comme quoi... on evolue pas aussi vite qu'on ne le voudrait

* interlude sport 1/3 *

J'ai oublie le point de depart

- Oui, toujours vierge [ps-edit] J'ai tendance a penser que j'etais refoule sexuellement.
-
- C'est difficile a decrire mais mon developpement psycho-sexuel a ete indescriptiblement lent et fracture. Au college je me rappelle la sensation quand une fille, n'importe laquelle, venait a m'effleurer. Un midi, la fille a lunettes cheveux-gras de la classe au college, celle qui se fait victimiser gratuit par toute la classe, court a ma rencontre, prends ma main tellement joyeuse de savoir que tel prof est absent et donc que la journee est finie. Elle est partie repandre la nouvelle aux autres pendant que je restais la a me demander ce qu'il se passait dans mon corps. J'etais trouble mais incapable de comprendre, articuler ou nommer ce sentiment. Trop intense et subtil a la fois. J'avais les larmes aux bords des yeux mais ce n'etait pas une emotion joyeuse. Pas douloureuse non plus. Je ne savais pas quoi en penser.
-
- Plus tard j'ai vecu un evenement semblable, bien plus clair. Mais la non plus, rien de sexuel.
-
- C'etait assez particulier, a 21 ans, je me suis retrouve main dans la main de la soeur de la fiancee d'un ami. J'avais de la tendresse pour elle, elle devait bien aimer ca et avait tendance a toujours s'asseoir a cote de moi. Bref un soir devant la tele nos doigts se sont entremeles.
-
- Je suis 'intelligent', ca implique calculateur, surtout avec les filles, je controle ce que je dis, ou je me met, etc etc. C'est jamais tres evolue, l'inexperience fait que je n'interragit jamais avec elles ou presque, mais mon comportement est quand meme modifie en leur presence. Ce soir la par contre j'avais rien calcule, ni rien vu venir.
-
- C'etait impossible a prevoir d'ailleurs. J'avais deja touche la main d'une fille [inline-comment: je retrouve le fil, le passage du college venait apres cette histoire], j'avais deja ete emu par la beaute d'une fille, mais meme en extrapolant on est loin de la sensation que j'ai eu ce soir la. C'etait comme des morts repetees. Une brulure des pieds jusqu'a la tete. Meme biologiquement je suis stupefait de la vitesse a laquelle l'impression que toutes tes cellules sont affectees par ce geste. Tu t'evapores completement. Desintegre, atomise puis reconstruit dans la seconde. Incroyable [inline-comment: un peu exagere?]. C'est aussi douloureux qu'agreable. Parfois plus douloureux meme. J'avais la sensation d'un trop plein. Apres 21 ans de disette affective, c'etait un arrivage trop large et soudain pour moi. Il y'a un leger parallele avec les pulsions sexuelles que j'ai cru entrevoir recemment.
-
- Oui, ce sont des superpositions de sensations opposees. Je me sens anesthesie, presque evanoui et en meme temps mu par une energie implacable. Un reflexe sousjacent, le desir de continuer. La aussi une onde masse en profondeur tes cellules. Comme si on avait rouvert la circulation sanguine. Non ca, ca vient ensuite, c'est une chaleur qui apparait quelques secondes apres le taquet.
-
- Ouai, c'est le premier effet. Quand une image, une idee, un fantasme nait, ma tete se redresse et part legerement en arriere. Comme si on me mettait un taquet sur le front.
-
- Ensuite j'ai le dos parcouru d'un doux arc electrique. Le souffle court. Enfin j'expire comme pris d'un syncope, mais agreable.

* interlude sport 2/3 *

Je realise que les entretiens qui naissent regulierement dans mon esprit, ne serait-ce que le temps d'attendre un plat rechauffer au micro-onde, n'emergent pas lorsque je dois les transcrire devant un ordinateur. *sigh*

* interlude miam *

Fin de l'entretien

syndrome de la blouse blanche -- variante

J'ai finalement saute le pas. J'ai pris mon rendez-vous chez le *logue. Les douleurs et inconvenances disparaissent presque quand je dois en parler et de ce fait rendre mon probleme concret. J'ai peur d'avoir surestime le probleme, d'avoir derange les gens pour rien. Pourtant ce n'est pas negligeable, ca fait 2 ans que ca traine en arriere plan, que je dois contourner les potentiels problemes. Evidemment, une fois le rendez-vous pris, et meme juste avant, l'angoisse inverse montre son nez. La peur de lever le voile sur une chose grave. Ca pourrait ... On verra bien. Mentalite du saut dans la piscine, on avance, on dealeras avec les problemes frontalement.

post partum

Difficile de croire que quelques mois avant j'errais dans les rues, hagard, evitant d'attendre le metro trop pres du bord du quai, legerement inquiet de manipuler un couteau un peu trop aiguise seul dans la cuisine, empli de desespoir haineux. Le revirement de mes perceptions me surprend encore, j'aurais toujours des doutes, meme si concretement je peux avoir un rapport avec une femme (mots difficiles a taper.).

J'ai toujours beaucoup plus de reactions devant mon ecran que dans la rue. Fini les pulsions qui montent a la tete au point d'etre dans ce curieux melange d'anesthesie et de frenesie ... ivresse en somme. Il y'a un mois des pensees de contacts sexuels me venaient sans cesse, decrochant mon esprit et mon souffle. Ce n'est plus le cas. Ca se projette differemment, bien plus en surface, c'est plus mental meme si ca influence mon corps. Mais ca ne me possede plus aussi fort, aussi profondement dans la chair et l'esprit. Oui possede, c'est l'impression que ca donnait.

Le moindre sujet de doute, corps male, esthetique d'adolescente qui aurait encore fait rever mon cerveau il y'a quelques temps, met un frein aux sensations de desir qui pourrait m'avoir envahi la seconde precedente.

Bref, ce n'est rien compare aux constantes pensees suicidaires de l'an dernier. Meme pas des pensees, des pulsions de vide extreme. Toutes les 6h parfois. 12h en general. Le temps que les idees negatives m'assomment en gros. Ces creux emotionels faisaient resonner des 'je veux mourir' dans mon esprit, comme s'il implorait la fin d'un supplice sourd.

Maintenant il ne me reste plus beaucoup de choses douloureuses a subir. Situation parentale, emploi, sante. La premiere particulierement. Les trois etant reliees d'ailleurs. Et probablement le fruit de ces longs problemes de sexualite. Sans sexualite, pas de vie sociale, professionelle, vie familiale asphyxiante et asphyxiee. Maintenant que ce probleme prend le chemin de la resolution, agir sur le reste devient envisageable, sense.

lowering reactions

Emergency panic post.

I was foolish to expect things so weird to stay stable, but I didn't expect such a short span. Pulsions have gone quite low, to the point of almost no reactions to images. What used to bring desire to touch, grab, eat is merely shapes now. Even a simple facial expression of pleasure induced 0.5s seizures in my mind. I remember the first day I was out of breath some times. I keep going to gay sites to see if I'm having "another" reversal. So far this part is still off. I'll have to control my fears. I'm down because it was such a powerful force to enjoy, as stupid as it sound, it made almost everything bearable. When things are low, I can barely suffer my parents presence or voice. Haa..

piecewise psychosexual development

My libido has lowered pretty bad recently. I don't get "in the zone" randomly as I used to the last few weeks. Even tumblr pictures don't trigger loss of control/consciousness. Sometimes I backtrack into watching porn, thinking it will bootstrap things, whereas most of the time things get worse, it's forced, not internal woman-based arousing, it's just baseless mechanical stimulation. Tonight I ran into a friend, we ended up at his place, we sipped a full champagne bottle, so I'm somehow fly, making things even more difficult, I feel a slight thrill but it dies soon. Porn did nothing, even though at times it gets a little better. I even went to gay videos just in case the last two months were just a temporary phase. It seems gay videos and male bodies don't reach in this newly found brain area that is so sensitive to woman curves, moaning and overall sexuality.

This reminds me to write down something surprising and weird. Although the out of control arousals have disappeared, whenever the sight of pending breasts or woman skin, back, butt cheeks anything from a female that turns me on I'm projected in my old child self state of mind. At christmas time. This pleasure is so acute, subtextual and yet overwhelming. It tops the peaceful craziness of a kid's mind around xmas. "sex is your last present" is something that comes again and again in my mind. It may look overrated, but really it feels exactly the same. Anything I loved, a tv show, animation, toy, it would trigger an emotion very very close to what I'm feeling right now watching this [nsfw] http://25.media.tumblr.com/4e19be3e355643fccfcfdf3cb1966f3a/tumblr_mv6y77Ur2u1qa5ljoo1_500.jpg

Nature's way of making adultehood bearable. Not far fetched right ?

This means right now I'm half down. Not fully down since it seems my gay/transexual/travestite phase was a bug. I have a few theories about it, but anyhow it seems I can reconnect with my straight memories, and close the circle into being an adult male. It only seem a possibility, and right now I wonder if I could get hard in a real situation (even today in the shower it was hard to get so). But that possibility itself make things almost alright. My friend told me stories about girl we knew, about his past girlfriends, about his handsome interns getting pussy thrown at them. I forgot why I wanted to say that. I missed out a lot I guess. Especially since I remember how horny I could be as a teen. And it wasn't even caused by the thought of girls body, just hormone rush I guess.

Oh, and I thought alcohol would affect me positively but I think being half drunk worsen things.

... out of thing to say. gonna hit the bed.

todo: 

 - meds

 - food

 - insurance

reve de toi, de lui

Etrange teinte obsessionelle sur le reve de la derniere nuit. Encore un peu et j'aurais pu rejoindre ma franco-roumaine pour former un couple d'harceleurs.

C'etait le privilege de mon ancienne obsession les reves legerement surrealistes qui finissent en marque de rejet indelebile.

Pour une raison obscure je savais que tu avais quelqu'un, et j'ai vaguement amener les choses a nous faire emprunter la meme ligne de bus. Tu descendais en lui tenant la main. Il n'avait pas l'air tres interessant ou meme interesse, mais c'etait ton mec, ca se voyait a ton attitude motivee. T'en tenais un et tu le lacherais pas. Moi j'ai glisse sans jamais avoir de prise. Pourtant je reste attache a toi.

genereux autres

En francais pour changer.

/meta/ ecrire en francais me parait plus difficile. un peu comme se devoiler a quelqu'un faisant partie de sa vie ou a un inconnu, c'est souvent tres simple dans le second cas. Psychologue du coin de rue.

- pas trop instable
- appel weekend, appel lundi, paranoia, don
- envahissant pere
- retour au depart

Dernierement, pas de descente trop profonde du moral a signaler. Toujours dans ma photo-therapie. Je me rassure en passant une partie de la journee a l'affut de photos erotiques legeres pour retrouver ces pertes de connaissance (TOFIX resuscitantes,si necessaires,dont j'ai besoin).

Le weekend dernier, un ami du college m'appelle, pour une fois je decroche sans reflechir. Depuis que j'ai des pulsions sexuelles, je pense et refoule moins mes reactions vis a vis de ces ~anciens amis. Ou plutot, mes emotions ont evolue, moins de confusion quand se presente une interaction, donc moins de raison de gamberger. Je suis aussi vaguement plus aimant envers ces gens, les gens en general. Quoique, avec mes parents c'est moins le cas (a suivre).

Pour changer il a un soucis informatique, mais en fait il n'aura pas besoin de moi, un pote en double appel, il veut me rappeler juste apres. Il ne rappeleras pas. De toute facon j'arrivais a cours de choses a lui dire, l'angoisse et les silences en reappro.

Lundi etant ferie je devrais attendre le lendemain pour me forcer a aller dans une boutique de sapes. Je n'en connais pas trop, je pense a appeler ce pote pour lui demander, c'est un homme lui, il sort, il taffe, il baise. Des chemises il doit savoir ou en trouver. Mais je rechigne a l'appeler. Apres tout il ne m'a pas rappeler, blablabla bla. Il aura fallu que mes parents s'embrouillent pour que je profite de la colere comme motivation, un pour sortir les poubelles histoires de capter le reseau, deux appeler mon collegial copain. Je lui laisse un message assez simple, besoin d'adresse pour des chemises pas cher. D'un style peu trop ordonnieux, mais bon c'est fait. Il etait occupe .. ou bien il n'a pas voulu decrocher. Le temps de retourner dans ma piaule j'avais deja atteint un pic de paranoia narcissistique. Il veut pas m'entendre ce connard. Evidemment ca sonne, c'est lui. Je suis une merde.

Il me dit qu'il a des trucs qu'il ne met plus, qu'il aura qu'a passer me les preter. Il debarque, ca doit faire 10 ans qu'il a pas mis les pieds chez moi. J'me rappelle quand il me parlait de la premiere meuf avec qui il a couche, et de mon silence depressif et perdu du demi-ami qui n'arrive pas a partager la joie parce qu'il a honte, qu'il ne sait pas, qu'il est haineux, seul, ..
Finalement toutes ses chemises me vont sauf une. Toutes d'assez bonne marque. Il me les donne.
Mes parents passent, surpris et ravi de revoir une tete d'une epoque assez lointaine. Mon pere ne peut s'empecher de rejouer ses sketches, a priori ca a toujours amuse mon pote donc pourquoi pas. Ils finissent par parler materiel, et mon pere qui pourrait l'aider a reparer certaines choses. Ca traine, il se perds en explications inutiles, magistrales mais a peine pittoresques. Je suis assis, j'ai rien a dire j'attends. Je comptais avoir un moment un peu perso avec ce pote. Mais d'une part j'etais pas specialement plus amical qu'avant, avec des remarques un peu pre-faites sur ses ennuis. Des conseils egocentres (t'as qua ... moi j'en ...).

Il repart, j'lui dis que j'voudrais lui lacher un billet, parce que ca fait quand meme beaucoup, plus de 100e, on a depasse le depannage la. Ni meme un cadeau, il aime les figurines de mangas, mais ca non plus il veut pas. Il propose meme de m'accompagner a une boutique pour trouver un pince quand j'reponds de travers en forcant un peu l'anxiete, un reflexe a la con.

Ca me trotte dans la tete depuis. J'ai rarement ete genereux, soit dans des conditions specifiques et encore non meme pas, dans le fond je n'aide que quand j'y trouve un plaisir, comme reparer une machine. Trait partage avec le paternel. Je pense souvent avoir profite de la vie des autres pour exprimer mes petits fantasmes. Aller voir une amie pour me donner une raison de faire du velo, etc etc.
Je pense aussi que mon pere fait la meme chose, il se diverti avec les aleas des autres, son terrain d'expression. Je trouve ca gerbant, et pathetique. Dans mon cas du moins, et si c'est aussi la raison de son comportement alors meme conclusion. Je ne pense pas qu'il m'ai donne ses sapes parce qu'il y trouve un interet autre que de m'aider. C'est pas pour faire de la place, ni pour me rendre la pareille ... Surtout vis a vis de quelqu'un hors de sa vie ou presque. Et qui n'a jamais fait que le minimum syndical en tant qu'amis. Pour ma decharge je n'ai jamais eu de sens de l'amitie avant; trop occupe par mes hobby, lubies plutot. Je tentais de faire du mieux que je pouvais, j'etais juste aveugle et aveugley.

Je n'ose pas lui envoyer de sms pour le remercier, j'ai pas encore les bons mots. Le seul truc a dire serait d'exprimer un peu d'amour, d'amitie, mais meme la c'est encore flou. Lui dire que c'est un type genereux ? mouai. Que j'aimerais bien avoir un quart de ses qualites ? egotiste. J'en pleurerais presque. Non pas parce que .. ou bien si peut etre, parce que j'aimerais etre comme ca, que ca m'apparait maintenant a quel point les relations humaines peuvent etre belles et importantes; le reste sonne creux et ephemere dans une existence.

Sa visite aura cree une source de tension ici, je gagne des interactions non desirees avec mon pseudo pere qui tente nerveusement de cacher son impatience en demandant le mail de mon pote (je ne crois pas l'avoir, le peu de fois ou on se parle c'est au telephone, de memoire il n'est pas trop emails), puis son numero de telephone, puis de me demander pourquoi il n'a pas d'ordinateur, son pauvre petit esprit d'enfant impatient de merde en putrefaction depuis 30 ans voir plus (mon age, leger acces de colere) n'ayant pas trouve d'autre moyen d'exprimer sa frustration qu'en imaginant une corelation entre le fait que je n'ai pas son email et l'hypothese qu'il n'ai pas de PC. Juste quand je m'asseois pour manger. Ses 12000 principes vaporeux et regles de vies pretextuelles ne font pas long feux face a son desir d'aller jouer a Dr chainehifi chez mon pote. D'ailleurs a la base, on devait lui rammener le matos ici, mais il a genere une belle logorrhee sur le fait qu'il serait mieux qu'il se deplace parce que bla ou bla voir bla et donc bla. J'ai cru qu'il allait attendre devant moi que je lui donne la precieuse information pour qu'il l'appelle tout de suite. La colere m'a epuise tellement vite j'ai cru ne pas avoir la force de finir des pates.

Bref entre le job deniche par la bienveillance de mon autre pote d'enfance et ce don. Ah j'oubliais aussi la fiancee du premier qui m'a paye un repas et dont les parents m'ont invite au theatre. Je devrais passer un peu plus de temps a trouver comment leur offrir un merci.

Mon manque d'altruisme causerait-il tout mes autres problemes ?

ps: J'ai oublie. Je procrastine, je devrais reduire mes affaire et preparer mon depart. Miss Fiancee m'avait laisse une liste de chambre a louer sur mon mail. A faire.

mundane struggles

I finally went downtown to pick some shirts. Went to H&M first, to warm up, but I got anxious. A guy looked at me for a bit too long, he was cute too. I decided to get the fuck out. With my scarf and my ski vest I look bad. I wandered around in the mall, needed to pee (anxiety again) so got a burger and leaked. Couldn't bring myself to step into the other shop. Heading to the movie theater now. It's my safe hiding place. Not so safe since there's always a chance to stumble upon gay couples, or cute guys or hot girls.

One more time I was close to a guy in the train. Warmth. I also got stuck against a girl that decided to come into an already packed wagon. I didn't really like being so close to her slender body but it was special still. *sigh*. Took me down. There was a young woman with huge breasts. I tried to focus on that (for science) to see if anything rise inside of me. A slight chill came, nothing major, just enough to stop the fall of my mood.

I'm running away of places to feel free.
I still need this clothes for the job.
I might try to enroll the last girl I know to come with me near her workplace. I lose all good sense when I'm alone.
Another night of girls with distorted faces.
I'm so sad I hate everybody.
Again.

pick up artistry reminiscing - fantasies

Looking for clothing brands, I stumble upon pick up artists dressing guides. I remember when I read these websites a while back. For a little while I felt just as when I didn't think about sexual orientation. Until I watched a video of people talking about seductions. Girls were cute, but something is missing. Guys faces looked more *******, I lack word, maybe this is just the attraction filter of the brain (what I consider was locked on girl when I was younger) that is working on guys now. I have a hard time considering I could lay against a girl, no matter who she is, how cute or I much I care for her. My last time reminds me girls dont like touching me either. I read many articles about the famous friendzone and how to get girls, I see how much I could have scared that last girl.

I wanted to go shopping this morning (talking like a girl), but this made me feel tired, I'm gonna pretend I'm straight and hold my pillow (like a girl). Purposeless sensation again.

I write more and more, it's like a testament.

ps: this was written a few days ago.

stable, outfit procrastination

it's been a quiet few days. no real down time. Able to enjoy pictures. After harassing goo.gl to store their urls I just realized, since it's mostly tumblr, that creating my own tumblr 'reshare' hatch would be easier.

Weird that pictures on webpage turns me on, but in real situation, or even on television, it comes only once in a while. That's what happened last night while watching the uber pretty Alexia Barlier http://www.lesdissonances.fr/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/Gala-5.jpg http://kievrus.com.ua/images/actors_photos/a/778042/large/alexia-barlier-778042-photo-large-3.jpg, I couldn't have dizzying thoughts. Went to sleep immediately.

I was supposed to go get shirts and pants for my next job, but I woke up late. Wanted to go early to avoid people. Very courage lacking on my side, as if it would make a difference. 90% procrastination.

Back to sport, cleaning and reading.

post non halloween update

still floating in an ocean of confusion. straight pulsions are tame now. it's easy to think of me as a girl since two days. I took the bus yesterday, and I felt the warmth of a large guy standing next to me, not that different from the woman's back a few days ago. I was probably too quick to think it was a sign of orientation. That said the black girl (never liked black girls) just before him made me feel something. The way her face moved. Felt lipsy. Still lost far too easily in mens eyes. I remember caressing that girl's face the night we share her bed, it felt shallow, cheeks too small .. not sweet or anything at all. Men's faces have different cheeks, maybe I'd enjoy it. This with their eyes makes me feel bad again.

I write this because I'm starting to feel clinically angry again. Instead of turning these ideas inside, putting them into words give some temporary relief. I'd take anything right now.

Probably gonna try to pay a visit to this childhood friend I ran into the other night. I hope it won't be neither awkward (another friend told me he drinks a lot again) nor sad. I sense some free chattiness inside of me, and I'm curious about his weird girlfriend nobody ever saw.

I have to buy somehow fancy clothes for December's job, I don't wanna spend too much since it's part time minimum wage. This will be challenging if I have mood swings. Especially since I was tipped by a friend who works in the same company. Don't wanna shed a bad light on him. If this goes south, I'll bite the bullet, but I foresee a long reclusive period after that. Sometimes I feel like asking a shrink to declare me 'work incapable', and tip me for very low bedrooms. I could live for 150$ of food a month, a low amount of water and electricity. Maybe I could find some activity to avoid sucking on taxes and financial aids. Ha, projecting on the bad side of things.

Thinking last night was pretty dreamy. Lots of virtual cuddling with the bed girl. I have this guys face in mind though. He keeps popping. Stopping my fake dream and then turning it into an inception like experiment where I shift into girl clothes and fall in love with him, start going into isolated places with him, to grab his neck, kiss him and jerk him. Feels almost real, a bit too much. I always end up thinking of the girl in the end. Again, no certainty about the fact that I'm not projecting affectionate needs onto a girl because of repressed gay feelings.

I couldn't get impulse crazy thinking about women's body, and tried to watch videos. Nothing really happened. Sometimes a little chill of straightness got to me. But it wasn't frantic like last week. It seems very dependent on my mood. And videos forcing my brain too much into feeling things, pictures are less frontal, even better, reaching a natural breast fever by just drifting mentally, when this happens it feels great again.

Just before typing this I went throwing some jabs in front of a window, not very fast, but I saw myself, and I'm so thin. My body is an unfinished business.

ps: I'm tired, very tired. I see people busy with their lives. I may be wrong, but they have no idea how it is when some low level parts of you aren't set up the right way. I'm crippled about things that gives your life a direction. I'm non-living. It's been that way since I'm 12. They're full of memories of strong emotions and relationships, a sense of self slowly crafted with life "experience". I'm filled with loneliness, guilt, anger, shame and doubts. Walking in a desert, eating my nails, wind facing myself.
Maybe I'm just over complicating things, some people might think that way, but to me, at best, I lack carnal data, I think they sense the world while I'm blind, and their blind to that. That's what I feel when I have this pulsions. Planet aligns. Everything is in sync. My self perception is stable and solid. The physical needs giving this incommensurate boost to anything. Life becomes a mall and I just got a lot of free money. Destroy everything. Before that I need to try. I can't stop it all without this. No matter how much I despise the possibilty that I might be gay.

bad and short panic attack - non erotism

I searched for non erotic images of girls. Sleeping girls was a good search term, but I felt no pulsions. Not even caressing or cuddling. Searching for sleeping men (http://whileyouweresleepingboy.tumblr.com/) I felt wierdly excited. But it never go as far as erotic (soft or even very soft) pictures of women. It's as if i could only have romantic relationships, slowly caressing, soft kisses. Whereas women would be purely sexual. Brain off sex. Weird. Sad. I got deep and down in a second. Watching girls I feel like watching me. That's a large hint about me. Even though I dream of girls, I can't project intimacy and excitment on normal sleeping girls.

Tired.

drug addict, brain plasticity

I think I'll need a bit of straight desire every day, I can't be happy whenever 'non-straightness' state of mind kicks in. I need it. For hope somehow, to remind me I may have a bit of the life I wanted.

Watching erotic pictures creates waves of pleasures inside my brain, also some pressure on the top. Some times for a few secs the arousal stops, leaving me cold. Then the brain pressure shifts, sometimes on the front, sometimes around the top.

I still have this weird sensation watching a girl face compared to a boy one. I hope it's just temporary instability. Is it possible that as I was unable to see me and my body as a sexual actor during sexual intercourse with a woman, "feeling" things as if I was the woman (hands caressing torsos, ass, mouth sucking), which now is mostly gone, I would be unable to perceive beauty and romantic emotions anymore and project them on guys as if I was a woman. Maybe I'm starting to wanna look like a man ... If so, sexual development would really be a subtle thing.

At the bus stop today there was plenty of young girls (thanks to road work and bus delays), some of them very pretty, one  of them not at all according to my 'taste', large black face. At one point I have, no I realized there was some printed notifications on the bus post, saying to people not to wait, and using it as an excuse to be noticed by her friend (a natural doll, utterly pretty, yet dressed in rags, uncanny). As I was speaking to her, my bad sensation looking at her disappeared. My brain interpretation of vision is failing.

That's all self.

who should i see

today is a confusing one, i spent the afternoon watching pictures of women with  but i'm now in face swap drawback, girls have beard or look like transexuals, men have small feminine faces. Not all of them, not all the time though.


Even with physical attraction, if I can't look at a girl and feel touched by her face it will be fake. But it comes and go randomly. I'm also back to thinking I'm girly. Could this be the reason I obsessed about girls all my life ? subtle desire to be one ? the dislike against my body and face could be related. I wish I could scan my brain. I'm a bit hurried, spending years fixing things would be pointless. I had no life, starting at 50 ? too late.

self perception glitch

woke up feeling like a girl again. watched some pictures, male models, their body isnt that different from me or girls. suddenly the feeling stops. I still think guys are cuter, but thinking of a woman's bust release something inside of me. did I shift from hetero romantic homo sexual to homo romantic hetero sexual ? am i both girl and boy ? is the difference about all sexual sides of ourselves in the brain a question of configuration that can be bended on certain circumstances ?

sometimes I think I feel for boys as a projection of what girls would feel for me. somehow similar (I probably wrote that before, can't recall) to what I felt the last 3 years about gay porn. the sudden shift/emergence of sexual desire has flipped my hetero romantism, something I'd qualify as the main part of my personality since I'm a kid, and turned it repressed ? maybe it is a stable state and I'm stuck into this other incomplete mode where I can't combine tender beauty with raw impulses.

I half-dreamt about leila again, but at one point I called her in a male pronoun (doesn't translate in english).

denuement existentiel - plus de raisons de finir la course

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still unsure where I am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXIOKYrB7K4 the boy is damn cute, his face looks like emma de caunes. I'm really not sure I'd kiss him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t31jv7Wql7g Here I dont like the guy, I can project caressing the girl like he does, she reminds me of my childhood's friend fiance.

30+ still lost in some deep aspect of myself. stupidly crazy. Maybe that's like the porn thing, I could force myself thinking I like men's body and feel something and now it's almost gone. I keep thinking, just try .. it's simple. Maybe it won't answer everything but it will probably be better data than staring at people in my bedroom.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d89fPi4HSKE watched it twice, first time I felt the girl was a trans, I see myself in her, her face look fake too. Second time it was a bit less so. Doesn't sounds good. Maybe I fantasize about women because I feel being one. Nature forgot to finish the job on my brain.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-Yn1frFXXM unconclusive, his face looks more interesting to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X90aJluzmP8 gay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X90aJluzmP8 probably gay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DgwWD4cAoj0 again

newfound urges vs brain capacity, teachers

I'm thinking about how life would have been if my brain clicked earlier on women's body. I understand is how teenagers behave, nothing matters compared to what this does to your brain. This is higher than art, music, sport or any kind of mental rush I experienced. Also, I pity the teachers who have to manage these crazy minds. If I had been aware of this, I'm not sure I'd have graduated even high-school. I'd probably enjoyed following other guys around for new encounters. This is so late to realize that.

I remember girls drooling before one math teacher, I understood why, the loose teen crush on respected adult figures, he was pure handsomeness too, tall, square, lengthy hair, deep voice, uber wise .... Alpha by definition. The kind of person who gets full attention and respect just by standing there. He earns it, almost nothing he said was out of place, even when slightly insulting it was on point. Once I mumbled something a bit too loud, enough so the whole class heard me. A cold silence filled the room while they were slowly staring toward me. I crossed an unspoken rule that was deeply inside of everybody. I thought I was about to burn, but he let it slipped, maybe he didn't hear it but since everybody did ... He probably gave me a little chance.

This whole thing comes 10 years too late. I can imagine how crazy college can be now. Tons of people from far away, loose relationships, new freedoms... my god I missed so much.

another dreadful day

today had no girl time. I'm dark and hateful. I can't stand the others.

Still trying to see how I feel on pictures, nothing works (gay or not), sometimes half naked women with nice breasts trigger something. Maybe a little space in my brain left to build new 'porn' feelings.

As I'm searching for a sexology specialist, I think that before spilling my life to a doctor, maybe I could just try something at a bar. Reading about 'first kisses' on boards, I have thoughts of kissing, and unlike the last weeks where male bodies had just a few times a lasting effect on me, and only 'nasty' ones, I see myself touching his, shoulder to butt, dicks touching, pleasuring. Another sign I should give up on girls. As I finish this thought, the very next one is to ask a girl to sleep with her now that I know I'm homosexual so we can cuddle. Weird.

Speaking about cuddling, I remember the movie girl, sleeping close to her face was one of the main thought I had this day.

ps:

watching couple making out, dunno which side I am, but it's rare that I feel like the guy

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZGVyLTp8Pw‎

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmr14sf_Wcs&feature=player_detailpage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3bdvCHzHsU

fucked up brain rollercoaster

After a few days of having straight pulsions, very concrete long ones, i'm having a backfire night. it hurts so bad. I should have guessed this wasn't solid, since I enjoyed women bodies (as close as I could get) but their faces looked less cute than I used to feel whereas guys look softly beautiful. It was a weird session (i'm close to be done with all this, I can't take it, it's a purposeless struggle) where I felt male, man, me and pumped again. I texted jokes to buddies I barely talked to before. Things were almost perfect. And now back to square one. What the fuck is happening in me. Is it sexual identity instability ? How come sometimes I see myself as the guy and sometimes I feel like watching somebody else. Sometimes arousing thoughts invade my spine and then it's a cold emptiness. I hope this is just very high anxiety interacting badly with sex drive. Hold on... it's coming back a little. I seriously need this. Even bi, but I need it. I didn't know how it felt before but I can't go back to woman-less life. This afternoon just watching a documentary about women orgasm, and their moanings made me lose balance. I need to feel it. Until too old to get it up. My suicidal tendancies are back. With this weird burn under my skin. The latent loss ... It was so good I jerked off 4 times today. In the shower it was 2 fat streams of cum against the glass door. It felt genuine, not forced. I felt it, in my hands, my mouth, my body. Now almost nothing. ...

edit :

I'm gonna find someone to talk about this. I hope it will take some pressure off of me. Then I'll have to try first hand. A gay bar seems a logical first, since right now I feel more able to kiss a guy. If I feel something, I think I will, everytime a guy kiss a girl I have a slight stomach ache, not something that says 'hmm i wanna do that'. Fuck. Oh also, I need to ask my mom what she meant about 'line being crossed' when I was 4. I think it's not as ugly as I can imagine but it has to be put off my mind. The other my mom took the issue of 'seeing his child having problems' on the table, suggesting that I go to see a shrink, she can't even tell me in details what she said to him and what changed in her mind thanks to that. She beats around the bush. Not really wise and mature. And she keep putting this one month small job a friend got me as if it had any real importance. Either she's lost in her emotions about me and can't say what she means, either she really does not understand that it's only to bootstrap some movement and stop staying in my bedroom all day long.
btw: the girl who manages the shop I'll be working at has nice eyes. Few days ago I could see me filrting with her. Not tonight. Random thought, this afternoon, while I was in full heterosexual maniac mode, my father came back with a friend, I was so pumped I came to say high to him in a frank manner I never display. I wanna feel like this again.

edit 2 :

I really don't understand how come I feel so much when I'm around a girl and when I'm in my bedroom I don't feel the same, or only at some point. When I felt this pulsions they came right away. Just a pair of legs and I had this electric arc through me, to my hands and my crotch. Now if I look at a girl picture I feel as if I didn't wanna feel it again, a repression of some kind. Maybe I'm forcing it and fear kicks in.

edit 3 :

sometimes I feel like I distorded my emotions after forcing to feel something by watching other people doing it. Maybe my brain can't interpret images freely now and everything has been blurred out. Maybe that's why I have different reaction live and in my room. A voice, someone's eyes, smell or warmth can trigger different reactions too I guess. Watching kissing videos I feel something if I look at the girl lips, it seems I am the girl. That would go in hand with the beauty I find in guys nowadays. But then I dont understand why her back seems so caress-y. So efffin weird how much I wanted a woman's hips so bad. sucking on her nipple hard, and licking from her belly to her crotch continuously. It's barely there now. How come I got hard at the movies just looking at that girl. It ran so deep in me... Was I abused by a woman and have a hard time having intimate contact with one ? maybe a man ? and can't express male libido because of a past trauma ? maybe it confused my sense of sexual identity.

final edit :

chances of being at least bi are stable, I just came watching http://www.xvideos.com/video706422/adriana_faust_scene_1 quite largely, my keyboard is stained. I now understand why strip tease is so successful. Just watching her move around is so damn maddeningly frustrating. Ah monkey brains. I love her body, I wish I knew a call girl like this, I'd pay her a visit and some more tomorrow. I still dont understand what happens in my brain. I hope this transition will land where I need it to be.

final final edit : while I was in distress earlier, I searched for some picture of colleagues of that girl I slept with. Couldn't find the one I wanted but I stumbled upon some of her trying clothes. I kinda miss her and I think she's a little prettier than I remember. If I end up bi I wonder if I'll have a chance to have a night with her. I'd like to fall asleep against her half naked. Even if it's only once.

ps : I hope to stay stable for the next two monthes, otherwise that december job will be very hard to sustain.

another full swing day

For a few days I'm almost constantly aroused by thoughts and pictures of naked women. A whole area of blurry meanings just faded away, replaced by a new world of crystal clear ones: turn on, light my fire, ...
I feel so nastily alive when it happens, I'm positive and motivated. I also have sweet and hot dreams with low confusion grade (I sometimes wonder if I'm not seeing girls for guys but it doesn't last). This made myself pretty motivated and happy today. Going downtown to find something my mother needed and also an extra part to fix my cousin's computer. Even when it's not for me I wanna do things. So I took the bus, but no more excitation. On the opposite, I, again, locked in guys eyes all the time. Whereas girls barely made my mind think. By the time I got to the store I was so deeply down, I felt like crying. All the guys were cute. Face doesn't really matter when you're dealing with sex. So I started to think about their body. Nothing came, but at the same time, nothing came with girls either. When picking the last item I needed I stood close to a very very pretty girl. I felt a little bit dizzy but again nothing like what I feel in my bedroom (or what I felt the other day at the movies and in the tram). Again dark mood.

In the train on my way back avoided looking at guys too much. A girl standing in front of me caught my attention. Young, nice body, grungy jeans. After she moved to get a seat I started to have fantasies again. Suddenly my personnality shifted, instead of avoiding her eyes, I felt I could sustain it and almost make contact, talk and walk with her somewhere to make love. With that thought came a need to find a girl to make love, anyone, I wanted a women's body and her moaning. I even thought to knock on my neighbors door in case she was alone at home (she's single I believe). Other funny thoughts came, like getting any girl in my bedroom, and fuck until we're out of juice, then my parents would come home and be greeted with a random girl in my room watching tv on my bed. Something any teenager did, something I thought was impossible. Not even conceivable, I couldn't emotionally envision bringing a girl home, period. I didn't know what I could bring her, it was absent from my mind, thus there was no logical path to 'this girl is pretty' 'invite her'. To do what ?. And now it makes sense, we'd enjoy ourselves and then she'd do what she wants. I wouldn't have to be anything, unlike before when I thought I needed to be different, to be better ... Now I saw my hands reaching in her back, sliding on her soft slightly fat body, her hips, her snatch, her ass. Tearing and ripping her underwear. I was such a drug. I have no idea how this urges never triggered when I was a teen. There were some times where I interacted closely with girls I had feelings for (girl jumping on me at the swimming pool, locking me between her thighs) but not even 0.000000001% of the slightest emotion came. I was just comatose when it comes to girls. Can high anxiety have such affect on your body ?

Back to my trip back home. I still felt some slight interest, attraction would be too strong, towards the guys on the bus after that. Thinking this one has a nice face, how it would be easy to touch his leg, maybe kiss him, but the sex part was lacking, no cosmic sensation in my back and my stomach, no animal need to reach orgasm with him. But at the same time there was something soft, as if I could be his girlfriend (my head's dizzy as I type this), caress his face, hold his hand, a different love from the one I feel for girls (not less or more, just different). Maybe this is part of me, and maybe if you get there with a guy, even though you don't fantasize that much about fucking, you may kiss, tongue, lick .. I don't know.
I really don't know anything. But god (yes god, you nonexistent you) I hope I'm at least Bi. Fully straight would be the greatest gift I could imagine. Like coming back to life after 20 years of undesired socio-emotional nihilism. A final christmas gift to say goodbye to the infant I wouldn't be anymore, now I'd have deep things to say, and share with girls.

another confusing dream

woke up thinking about this girl, holding her in my mind, sleeping together making love, then switched again. more exciting, simple sexual pulsion. I'm exhausted by all this. I wanna end it.

ps: I noticed yesterday, my manners aren't that effeminate compared to other guys. Hand positions, finger usage. Overthinking distorts at least this notion that I'm different from them in this regard. That said I still don't know what is gonna make me fully click sexually. I can only hold on to the feelings of joy I have, or the gut twisting jealousy when I think of some girl. *breath*

someone's 31st birthday and a homeless test drive

Junior high school guy took me to a bar for his birthday. Told him about my issues. Didn't really take it seriously and doesn't really understand how long my loneliness has been going on. It was interesting to see how they perceived me in college though. I really looked like a normal happy guy. I don't think he got that I was following people out of anxiety of being me (something that is still not well defined in a social context). Only girl there was the bartender. She was pretty, I couldn't help but to stare at her from time to time. But as the night went, I started to notice his friends, one that had a soft feminine face, uncanny. Other ones lot less pretty, but I could look at their body. And it felt as if it would be possible to fondle them. At the same time that cute bartender looked less and less interesting. I drowned into a sad anger. Buddy dropped me back but I forgot my keys. I was already cold from the inner distress, and got a free 2 hour wait-outside-you-moron because I wouldn't dare wake up my parents for my mystake. While I was coasting I thought about the girl with a tiny little more projected fantasies. That gave me some relief to help the cold wait. Now I inside, and gonna warm up under the blanket. I feel ill already. Being homeless in winter must be a living hell.

gray day

after a deeply moved day, this one was blurry.

no message from the fiancee

high school buddy asked me to come to a bar for a birthday beer, too worried to say yes for now

mother needed money for the house, went to pay half with her

mother rant about father for stupid reason, she will never understand their relationship is fucked up and that whatever she says he will never care since she doesn't care about him anymore

mother cannot stop to harass me for a dirty comb she doesnt even use

I cant hold it, I insult her, she's angry because 'I curse to her'. fuck this whore. she keeps bullying people for the stupidest reason, saying im a dirty lazy fuck or some other loving mother's adjective. So many violent thoughts came to me.

I clean some thing and pick up the trash, on the way out i meet 'childhood friends' weird i wasnt ready to speak.

Thinking just yesterday I was full of dreamy pulsion, tonight' fog of sexual orientation is killing me. I hope my pillow will work.

in-fans

Infant, Latin infans, means non speaking. I didn't get the real meaning, it's not about physically speaking, but the desire to express one's self. Usually it's around teenage-hood that this process takes place I believe. I think it's happening to me now. It's two fold, first I care less and less about others people feelings whenever I speak, I held it for too long, so long it hurt (the void of people never knowing what you felt for years) so now "fuck it". Lastly, unlike before where I was 'submerged' by others people thought and feelings, I had the crippling mental limit to feel that my ideas were vaporous; now it's the opposite, I feel a lot better throwing things out and letting my mind sink into others.

emotional or physical

I don't know what sex feels. Shared one. Not self pleasuring. I only know that I get affectionate urges towards girls easily. Just stared at my wall thinking about a childhood fiancee. She makes me wanna dance and sing. Sometimes I just wanna hold her against me just to give her a warm and sweet sensation. It's not even for me, it's very large outcome of emotions that I can barely hold and I need to give it to her. I don't know what sex feels, but every time I look at a beautiful girl and doesn't feel the usual mesmerized lock, I have a dark and cold vibe saying "you're fooling yourself, you're made for men". It's the highest distress I've had to deal with by far. It's a loss of your self. It's worse than the death of related. It's too early. I need to feel sure with girls, then I think I'll be able to extend horizons. I don't know what sex feels. I couldn't connect girls, skin and affection before, and right now I still can't connect sexual attributes to pleasure or deep sexual needs people seems to display. Girliness is still attracting somehow but compared to a real sexual act will it last ? is it a first step toward something more profound or is it just something easy to obsess about when a kid that will lead into a void ? ... I've never done so many 'cross' signs in my life.

ps: it's so weird to have to fuck to know if you can. what an unnecessary thing to do...

old friendly feeling visit

Another switch today. As I wait to enter the theater I notice a girl, I feel a warm fuzz through me, almost half hard, I stared at her the whole movie, to the point I had a jealousy attack when I noticed a guy at the end of her row staring at her for a little too long for my tastes. I ran out of the restroom after the movie and caught up walking out. And did nothing. Am I just that much of a wuss (keven would probably say 'everyone knows that'). I tried to calm my mind but I was blank. Of course it means as soon as I was alone after we parted ways, I started to have so many things to say and share ...
The morning my brain was in bi mode, I think I saw 12 guys in a row with pretty faces. But after the movie I couldn't find a single one worth of staring even for a second. Is it a psychosomatic side-effect ? I was pumped and couldn't control my smile. Every girl felt smooth from a distance, I could project cuddles and tender caress, something you want to never end.
A little later as I was watching some girl channel, I had a weird flash, it's really that instable, sometimes looking at kisses I feel being the girl, sometimes it's not. Sometimes it comes after a few seconds. Whenever I'm not in the guy's role a fright chill run through my body. Very scary.

ps: it seems my recent encounters with girls are showing a weird effect. Somehow somewhere in my brain I sense a difference with my last-decades self. I have a notion of touch and love now. I can imagine puting my hands on a girl as a way to express affection and/or attraction. This is new. It seems just sleeping with this girl, even though she rejected me before we could even spoon or cuddle, did break some virginal aspect of my relationship with my body, my emotions and other persons. Deeply troubling, both thrilling to feel part of humanity but at the same time I can't expect things to turn out the way I want.

never vs not anymore

I'm still affraid. Today was a weird day. Went downtown to get some things at a shop for vader. All the cashier has some heavy bisexual trait. Or I'm just into them. Anyway, on the way back I had to switch transports (people were walking on railroads further on), and took the tram. It was packed, and I got stuck between a somehow cute girl, and a woman. I couldn't help breathing the cute one, my head was in her hair. As usual her neck and shoulders moved me (I'm tired of this shit, why is my brain so obsessed with that). But at the same time, I felt a huge warmth from the woman. I was pressed against her quite a bit, she didn't say anything (too busy on the phone and with her little girl), so it was almost cuddling. It was so soft, so deeply soft, fuck I would give a lot just to hold her close to me again. I noted where she left. Her body was so slender and tender at the same time. Not too chubby, not too thin. And that warmth. I've never felt someone so warm like this, a walking heater. After that most people got out, including the cute one. I saw a lot of beautiful girls, one left her eyes in the back of my brain, I started having images of us dancing in a little flat after dinner, just me goofing around because I want to make her happy. Some interesting guys too. But I was still thinking about the first two. On the next transport swap (train->tram->train[here]->bus) I saw another bunch of damn pretty girls. One in particular. So much I stopped and sat on the first bench after her. And I held my head in my hands, not between my knees, but quite low. I'm really lost and tired. In the bus again, lost of beautiful girls. I'd like to know how other guys feel, is it the warmth burn of their skin and affection that they crave or is it just a hunger for their genitals that may lead to love.

I'm also tired of this recurring romantic fantasies with every girl I meet. Nothing makes sense. Orientation, identity, love, sex... It's very weird when a core part of your being starts to crack like this, and so late.

I can't stop comparing my painful emotional context to other people. I have a hard time finding things harder than this because even if some people's life don't have a purpose anymore, they had one. Mine seems to never had one, a failed experiment in unbalanced compromises.

Sometimes I feel like I should have been a woman, hence my reaction toward their beauty. I don't think my sense of survival can overcome this nonsense.

tiresome twist plot

I'm not interested in spending the rest of this life realizing all the things that I did by mimetism. There will be no pleasure of enlightenment about understanding I acted this way, or felt something because of peer pressure and social normation. It will only "revive" the feeling of losing my life and youth, triple it, and leave me empty. F.
Leaving this note with the same feeling of existence absurdity. I only get through by acting like the character in Cast Away. I survive, I'm not living.

meaningless self -- long keven

It's been long time since I talked to him. Few days ago my last 'friend' advised me to send him a mail asap but I don't feel like it. I'm too sad and lost, I have nothing new to tell him, and everything else he knows already (yes, I think about him, I hope he's happily married). Should I say him I think about ending my life every two days or so. Can I keep bitching about things that seem so close yet so far from me. It feels like a kid not willing to make a step forward. It's almost true, but I'm asked to step off a cliff to verify I will die upon reaching ground.

I wonder why I'm so fucked up by girls and even more so how am I gonna be when (if) I fall in love for real, considering the theory (the main one these days) that my girl crushes are a fake artefact of years thinking I was straight. I really am a void of a person. Reminds me of Inception when the lead explains that his recreation and memories are just a superficial incarnation of his love's past reality. Am I, and was I a fake subversion of myself ?

i cannot rationalize it

it feels like robbing existence out of someone
an infinite absurd and silent pain that turns everything else pointless
so unfair you can't accept it
only grieving parents can understand

25th hour

absurdity so high anything I do feels like a last meal

ego centered motivation

I stopped biking. After 6 weeks of very diligent and regular 30-50 min of exercise, I can't find the will to do it again. 50 seems too long, even 40 minutes is too long, I can push impatiently for 20 and then go away. This is not the first time I see this, but before I couldn't even last 6 week. As soon as I finished the challenge all motivation went away. I'd hope that the 21 days to turn anything into a simple habit was would work, but it only did so partially. I tried to see this not as a challenge or an effort but more as a journey into perceiving my body, gently flirting on my limits to avoid burning but it failed. Now all I do is push ups, crunches, horse stance and air-boxing. Maybe I should reintegrate 20 minutes of bike before the muscles part. It would be a good warm up and cardio, improving the duration and efficiency of the other exercises anyway.

father ad nauseam

Anything

his voice
his smell
his words
his ideas

An emotional gag reflex.
I can't stand his sadness and craze.

Sometimes I enjoy the thought of hurting him.
I'd cut his tongue and stare.
The pain or fear in his eyes.

For his blindness.

That's it, a little poem, courtesy of genetic legacy.


ps: expressing violence does have a little 'relieve' effect.

in her mind

Someone's girlfriend texted me yesterday. My phone was off, typical passive aggressive cut from people. She's almost always nice to me. But this is a first. There was no side-projects or event. Just an 'Don't ask why, I think of you, hoping you're fine'. She has no idea I think about her when I hold my pillow. Helps me bootstraping tender-filled of girl closeness fantasies. I'm gonna play outbid by revealing this to her. It's rare that girls displays little signs of affection. Very rare. But that's the second time she come forwards to me. Earlier this summer she gave me a kiss on my cheek, out of the blue. No girl ever did this, it's was subtle and sweet. Just what I'd need from a girl. I'm not angry enough to really think she's sad or bored. Plus she's supposed to be free of kids, they're both schooled now. Maybe work seeking reminds her of me. I'll see. This won't help me dreaming about us flirting gently. I'll answer her tomorrow, her man will be at work. I won't steal her from him (0% chances this could happen in any universe) but I care about "our" relationship. Things I can share with her are private. Even if it's strong feelings. I'm surprised how shooked I am now. Wet eyes. It ..

Am I in my other girl~friend thoughts too ? she was embarrassed by my affection and quite cold when I disclosed how desperate I am about my sexual situation. I don't think she's gonna hold me in her mind often or long from now on. She loves her cat much more.

tell on

It's funny how I'm more open to bitch loudly against my parents when there are siblings around. The usual reclusive me feels a lot less inner resistance to shout back. It's as if being surrounded only by people whose behaviour hurts you kills any reason to shout since they're doing it in the first place. You don't want to speak since you're trying to modify the mind of people already unable or unwilling to see the harm. Other people gives you a new market to express yourself on, it feels a lot easier.

still need you ?

http://splashofred.squarespace.com/red-gallery/andrew-ek/11606372

her thigh

The warmth of her leg against mine. I don't know if I'd enjoy more of her close to me, but it felt like it. This soft burn.

dead logic

when i'm fed up
i'll get a 9mm
hopefully under 7 days
i'll get a refund

old noise

There was a topic on age vs noise recently. my neighbor is celebrating her birthday. I can't stand the noise. Nothing to do with the physical phenomenon, it's actually not loud at all. It's the feeling caused by what it means. A birthday party, never had one. Childhood friend living next door, not friends anymore, decades. Reminiscing how awkward and useless I feel in others parties. The disconnection with the world. The supply of happy moments they all have access to which is intractably invisible to my eyes.
Is that how it feels for real old people ? sour nostalgia ? depletion of happiness ?

kernel panic

The off by one error that brings the whole system down.

traversee du desert

I had this recurrent feeling things weren't right since long ago. Decades. Now my last 5 or 10 years were harder because I couldn't float the stream of the teenage years and school system where the way isn't broad and almost set for you. I don't think I'm trying to distort my anguish into a positive outcome. But I feel that this journey through nothingness was a good set up to understand some deep things about my nature (maybe the human one, I can't multiply that by 7 billions that fast). A inner definition of slowness; little random etymology roundover, french for speed is time distortion of Latin 'seeing', to be fast you need to see, if you don't, go slower; and with this, the same for regular accumulation of the small. Learning outside any system. Even though MOOCs were a lot more efficient than my singled-out teaching process, it's still a personal choice without peer pressure of any kind, while A-level, college, all bear some 'me too' reasons. My english level went south though. I know 5x more expressions and idioms but god the grammar and typos.. but I do suffer from the same flaws in my native tongue, it's probably that I'm not a good fit for natural language.

I'm still sunk. But I feel like not far from being able to handle things on my own. Emotionally I'm not far from danger but on the social side, working side it's getting there.

3 weeks of regular physical activity

After maintaining a steady 40min of medium physical activity (120-150 bpm) I can say I feel many benefits. Left knee is almost back in business. I regain taste for natural food. I eat more but less junk. I feel having a nice little mat of physical energy. Also it's sinking into a habit, such that if I have nothing to do I'll think about doing 'my' 40 minutes.

Plan.Next : Increase to 60 minutes. 45 being the threshold to tap into slow fat, 15 min of draining will help losing unnecessary reserves. 15 minutes of muscle focused exercises (crunch, pushup, back crunch, custom squats). And 15 min of "holistic" rhythmically constrained movements. I'd love to have loggable accelerometers for quantitative data to plot but alas.

ps: The stationary bike's magnetic brake seems subject to drift. I thought I'd try level 6 instead of 5 today because it felt a little too easy, but went back to 5 in order to stabilize progression. It wasn't easy anymore. Going up 4 => 5 isn't the same as down 6 => 5. All my measures are off somehow. I finished the 40 minutes, 500m lower than usual. Not burned out though.

bothparents issues

Always hear about girls with daddy issues. I may be closer to a girl than I'd like but I wonder if guys have mother issues (Big Bang Theory's Howard character hints it might be). Anyway I guess I overdid it, I have bothparents issues. They pull things out of their asses all day long, finding the less important thing to nitpick and argue about. Spitting on each others face. Well I'm unfair, my mother isn't like this, that's my father's talent. The mother is more of the Stockholm kind, suffering and then running back to her misery with this clueless look in her eyes wondering why is this happening again. The father just can't help mumbling acid condescending things in your back. I lack the right word here, the way he constantly mock people, the fact that the only thing he can do is commenting while you're searching for something is mesmerizing. Is he suffering you that much that the thought of being neutral (not even respectful) doesn't land in his mind. Everytime he does this I feel like he could as much kick you while your down just to prove his point. Disgusting piece of shit. And that's coming from the nice piece of shit you attempted to raise.

regular physical activity vs emotional distress

It's my third week on the training program. I'm close to reach one hour of recovering~ stationary bike, with some crunch/pushups/whatever and some taichi/boxing. After remembering, thanks to some random article, that loosing fat needed prolongated average efforts instead of burns, I started rethinking the bike exercise. Also the handlebar caused some tension in my forearm/wrists => uncomfortable tingling in my hands. I ended up doing bike-jogging. Sitting straight up, arm and upper body swinging in sync with pedaling. You look and feel like jogging but on pedals. Very very smooth, I suppose the upperbody swinging momentum shoves a bit of the effort from your legs, and helps keeping the rhythm. It feels great, 3 kilograms of fat allegedly left my body, some muscle mass came too, and it reinforces joints, enough that I can walk stairs both ways without feeling pain in my left knee. Not 100%, but a great side effect.

That said, I'm still not very stable. Often anxious, knee jerking, during the day. Some times nauseous. Sport is very beneficial, but I need to change things in other departments too.

ps: doing crunches again is funny, next day soreness forbids you sneeze nose-gasms, you can't expel air fast enough to get the numb sensation.

about social interaction and compromise

I live in some kind of social isolation. In my parents house but we have no enjoyable bond, quite the opposite. Cut ties with everybody except for 1-3 persons, and mostly one I can hang out with.

Tonight I was sad, so I resorted to emo-texting. One girl responded, I felt touched by our few messages, until it went a bit cold. I'm really bad at human interactions. Probably too selfish to be motivated long enough and have things to talk about. Anyway I understood the value of social interactions and the opposite too. Right now I feel shitty. Isolation shields me from that, it's just a compromise.

gay hit ?

Leaving the theater today, as I was walking, the guy in front of me couldn't resist checking himself in the window reflections on the side, with a guilty little look behind, probably to see if anyone saw him. Made me smile to catch someone red handed, I often do such things. He probably noticed my smile and then suddenly stopped, asking me for direction. Somehow I felt he was just feeling me as he didn't seem lost and it was a pretty easy thing to find. I kept walking as he went away. The End.

white hairs

my brain is messed up, this constant shifting between moods and perception of sexuality .. I'm having regular white (pure white) hairs even on my beard...

- spike

It's not being aroused by my thoughts that hurts me, it's the fear that I'll never share this with her, thus being worthless.

grief race : crime

As insulting as it may be, I see a similarity in the way people suffering irrecoverable loss (child death or kidnapping). They seems to hang their life on the one desire to gain full understanding of what happened. It's absurd but somehow it's the only thing that makes sense for them. I too want to see in the deep what probably lead me to my situation.

grief race condition

What is it that I feel when I believe I am gay ? This two faced feeling that if I really am gay, then all I've been through before was pointless. All the little papercuts and efforts made for others are backfiring. "No more" you'll think. You want to have everything your way, and shit on everyone or everything that will slow you down. Turning in a desire to crush their lives, not literally, but in a competitive manner. Now that you lost the core of it, you want the few remaining bits to be burning bright. You can't stand to have another sub-par thing in your life. Not when you see enjoying what you'll never have. It's bitter, an aimless final sprint. A living death.

What is it that I feel when I feel like a straight man, when I suddenly feel the need of that girl a shared a bed with. When I see myself as the guy when I see a couple kissing, that turns me into a peaceful whole. In these rare moments, I feel forgiving, compassionate, I'd live the poorest life but smiling every day at the most insignificant things. A inner force, a slow energy wave that puts you in forward motion.

Too thin a wire to walk on ...

where have you been

death are those silent faces
only shades
empty places
still is the scent
the enharmony
that once lifted
these memories
I hear it clearly
only lacks the melody

getting dry

a warm night
a stressful evening
a void weekend

i'm tired of my condition
i want my share of normality
i feel i reached the end of the tape
already rewinded it many times
no more space

out of history

Sometimes this shit feels like I've been expelled from the history of mankind. Through times predecessors enjoyed. I'll never know.

Rant

I can't fathom my Gns. There's so much beautiful Gls. The simple idea of sharing emotional and physical love with one makes me deeply happy. It's not even happiness, it's a silent peace spreading through my cells. It's just. And the opposite ain't true for now. Mns triggers the physical side of things, but leaves the rest of my mind quite empty.

ps: meanwhile I suspect some guys to have abused the girl that rejected me. She told me she was interested in someone and she wept before my eyes for a scam story. If someone robs me a few hundred bucks I'm mad, angry, enraged not torn like that. The irony of my impotence~ facing the probable rape of others is killing me too.

4 guys I "like[d]"

Trying to investigate my old self I seek for differences in emotional reactions with buddies. I know that more than often I used to sigh for girls very quickly, get 'crushes' etc etc. I don't think it happened with guys before. Here's a list of the guys I "loved" the most. By that I mean, lengthy discussions or even expression of feelings. For now, those I recall are only sub-bro-mance feelings, no tenderness, romance, or physical attraction (obviously since my brain wasn't open to the idea of males having sensuality).

Guy #1 , childhood friend on and off, used to hangout with him around A-level because he failed and was probably depressed. Shared a taste for making music, a dis-taste for our fathers. He met his fiancee around that time so he brought me everywhere with him. Recently I learned that I was a way-out, smoothing out his father rules since he was just hanging out with the good boy that I am. Anyway things changed, my problems made me less fond of him. Which is unfair, he has always been "inclusive" friendship wise even though I'm quite cold. At one point we had a fight (because I was mad that his sister in law wasn't in love with me so I acted weird) and afterwards I felt the need to go to him to say I love him. In my dream it was a hug with a pat in the back. Some tears of apologies but nothing else. Oh, anecdote, we used to have a trendy 1cm haircut, doing it ourself with some handheld hair trimme, so we spent some times half naked in the bathroom. At the time no conscientiously repressed interest in his body (blue eyes, dark hair, pretty ribbed~ nowadays I can look at pictures of him at the time differently, and I understand why his fiancee was happy to be with him).

~ps: we used to stay late at his place, often watching porn on cable, trying to avoid waking up his parents and faking discussing sports. One time, we listened to some CDs, one including 'Calling you', we were stunned by the song and ended staring at each others face caught in the emotion of the voice. Was this a nascent homo-romantic glitch ?

Guy #2 , extra-college activity acquaintance, share a taste in far too young girls, in abstraction and dis-taste for the sad state of society. I had such long talks with him. He came at a time where I was able to speak a little. Something that was impossible with #1, too early, I didn't experienced death of family members at the time, also #2 chats were online, easier behind a screen. We reciprocated the fact that knowing each others was the only good thing we got from this activity (which was going south in a very absurd manner).

Guy #3, post-college music playing buddy, met through some internet discussion board. Shared almost nothing, except some meta-principles which made sharing the music we liked a very very enjoyable experience. I can only remember one time where he dismissed something from me on fallacious basis. He could probably say the same about me. Anyway it was a person a greatly appreciated, yet no weird feeling of jealousy when I saw his girlfriend ..

Guy #4, another music playing buddy, met the same way as #3. I should call him the gateway as he was the first .. woops I forgot my girl infatuation of the time (a recently discovered bisexual girl who caused me many stomach ache). So technically, he's the 2nd person with an "alternative lifestyle" lets say. (in many ways, he was somehow more religious than many people of this age and region). After sharing my girl problems with him we went into source of shame, then dicks, porn etc etc. Soon enough he started to throw hooks at me, naked Russian guys, videos about friend being more than close etc. After a while he expressed interest in me, at least in the fact that we should spend time at his place. I started feeling some sexual agenda and it's probably the first time someone put me in this position. I said no even though I felt a little excited by the idea of sex. I ended up being fed up with his need for my attention and for a real 'friendship' so I cut contact (or maybe he did, can't recall). No twisted stomach or regrets, even now I almost never think of him, except to retrospect~ about the status of my sexuality.

At that point I never saw gay sex or even a naked guy. Since, I did, and I also worked at a big store, close to a gay friendly area. There was one guy which had a nice body, nothing fancy just shaped. One that was interesting because he was as uninhibited as possible. He could say the darndest thing all the time, with that slightly intellectual and argumented undertone that leaves him free of shame, making the whole thing even funnier when surrounded by down to earth persons. When he left, I probably missed him for an hour or two (the other colleagues were either too shy or too stereotypical sports/tits to entertain me). There was this girl-boy that went for a day or two. We crossed eyes and I stared at him for longer than I thought. Probably the weirdest gayest moment at that workplace. Still, nothing worth dreaming or crying about. Just like any girl that get close to me. FML-ish

Hetero-romantism refresher of the month

It's been a while since I felt like this. So that girl who rejected me is depressed, since I care for her (not only as a romance, but also as a friend) I try to smooth her sadness out, while sending small jokes about her rejection of my awesome beauty, to which she answers it's not that I'm not good-looking. I felt proud for a minute, that's rare. Later I propose to meet tomorrow because I need to go out and that could be a good thing for her too. She reveals she has a crush on someone, probably an idiot (her words) but that she doesn't to lead me on. Oh god she was right, my stomach is a bit twisted now ... The usual feeling of loss. I can't even imagine how people feel when they had real relationships. We only shared a bed twice. Something mundane for many, but for inexperienced guys like me it felt new. Somehow there are positive side to this revelation, more incentives to move on and leave this path. I'll have less regrets. It's the 2nd guy she wants without ever showing interest in me.

I really wonder what the hell is wrong with my brain. I spent the last night between two beautiful girls, one that I just met there, I couldn't get my eyes off of her, she's very pretty and delicate, very smooth body too. What is it ? desire to be her ? How can I feel torn for girls and not be physical at all. In my mind it's a pretty good advantage to be able to pull the carnal attraction lever. Double penalty, not straight enough, but still too much.

ps: badly edited text.

gone without a goodbye

Tomorrow people found our neighbor has taken his own life. Pardon the absurdity but this is so upsetting. I know despair and pain. Yet I'm upset about this event. Because it feels unnecessary, because it could have been prevented, because we might have missed the obvious, because it's unfair. Unfair to him. He's not weak, he struggled in his life, but he kept going. He probably reached a point where it was just too much. Or maybe he felt things darker than they were ? This is a man who has always been nicer than average, friendly, gentle and an overall simplicity that is not common enough. His tastes were slightly refined without being pompous. Just classy. His home reflects that. He helped many people, myself included (his ex-wife and son share that trait). I don't know more about the reasons and details. Maybe he had a bad news. A sudden anxiety stroke. Maybe he had lingering feeling of hopelessness or low self worth. I wish I could just have said how much I liked him. It's not deep love or deep friendship, just the feeling one have for the man who has always been there and never left a bad taste in your mouth. A character you can't erase from your memory. His flat will always be his flat, his door, his garden. The way he laughed, his voice, a sound I've heard for decades. Haunting. This is not someone you wish to experience the need to end it all. I so wish we could have gathered and washed his pain away or at least a bit. Maybe enough to relieve him and put him in a bearable mood.

He was there since I was born. I played with his son. He built stuff (skate quarter pipe) all kids in the block used to play. His not family per se, but in effect it's not far from that.

He's always been the same. And that's one part of the "deception" we just hit. Few days ago he told my father an old neighbor lady of us needed computer assistance. He was the usual. Helping, fixing, laughing. No signs, no obvious signs. We all knew he was a very, probably clinically, anxious person and that he took pills to help. He then had to rush to help another neighbor's mother whose house was broken-in and was busy for the whole night. The next day he met my father again saying I need to come back, but by the time I got out he wasn't home anymore. The old neighbor thought he went to help fixing the break-in again. I finally fixed her stuff and went back to reclusive mode. She was on the phone when I came in, and I overheard the discussion. I kinda understood she was talking to his ex-wife, saying he said her name a lot. Probably part of his burden. I think she came today with her son. I didn't have the courage to meet him, even though I only had tender things to say about his father. I'm weak.

Where's the undo button. This is not how I want things to be. I'm stupid for delaying the kind words I can say. It's hard for me, and it's not a thing our culture helps to grow even though it's of prime importance.

No one should leave alone.

enjoyed straightness for a minute

Something very weird happened today. I was quite happy about it at first so this will have a underlying braggy tone all along. Sitting in the train there was a bunch of girls on the row in front of me. On the way I change seats to get close to the window. One of the girl leaves early and while I look around I catch the 3rd girl face reflection. She was very pretty. Suddenly I felt an inner tension from my mouth to my stomach with projections of simply reaching her mouth. It was probably the most instense physical reaction I ever got in this entire existence. It lasted for many minutes. So much I started smiling like an idiot. Even more, glancing around I see a woman, beautiful blonde, with a skirt letting her legs fully visible from her thigh to her tiny open shoes fitting her cute feets. Now I can look at her like a fetish, impressions of playing with her legs without the usual 'forced heteronormative desire', it felt genuine, if I may say so. I got to the library with the sensation that not everything is lost, still focusing on girls face (sunny day in downtown town) with "good results", and spend a few hours reading this overwhelmingly wonderful book (totally worth a dead tree IMO). Unfortunately on my way back I reverted to my undefined-homoerotic state. With an added madness that when thinking about sex it somehow diffused to girls too. Was this also the reason I felt like I'd eat the girl in the "mirror" out ?

nightdreamin'

so easy to dream about you
so hard to reach you

bi-unstable identity center

Bistable is a term used by physicists to describe a system that can stay into one of two state. A flip-flop, a push-button .. In my case, it switches every 3 hours.
So it seems some part of my brain related to sexual identification is oscillating between these two extremes. It's consistent with this recurrent feeling that I'm not a guy enough. I wonder if this could be a result of what some people mentioned about my childhood. A troubling event could have messed up a sense of self gender. Or maybe I'm just struggling to accept a simple reality.

full stack my ass

make self --without-gay
ERROR: libgod.so not found

make self --with-bi
[<c0e1fdd32>] yeah_right+10xd/48
kernel panic

natural trial

Humans gathered around the idea of trial. When something happens to you that causes suffering you want to know all possible details that lead to this event. I wish before I die to be able to witness what cause this bug in my brain. Right now nature's runs free of charge.

just a tiny things moves my mind back

Sometimes a small set of details makes a day feel good. A small breeze, birds, low and calm parents voice fixing something in the kitchen. Memories of old times.

abstraction surface nil

It's funny how anything and everything becomes a source of pain when having sexual disorders. Movies, TV shows, songs, walking out on a sunny day. The dual of life obviously occupies the center of the human culture. Escape.

cortical space noise cancelling

I feel like my brain is deep space and no-one will ever hear the screams I'll produce as long as I breath.

everything is nothing

I was told I could do anything
I could be anything
I repeat, all this means nothing if I can't ...

backlog 001

1994, reading Hollow man

a scale of irony

Is it possible that I've lost my teen years in a sea of desolation for a lack of confidence toward girls that is turning to be a complete absurdity considering my probable orientation ?

distorded perceptions

I don't know if it's my reclusive way of life, with accumulated years of interacting with people in non physical, distanced and emotionally crippled ways but I have different reaction if I look at someone in picture and in real life. Most of the time since a few months it triggers this empty feeling of sexual identity mismatch. Is it a symptom of obsessive disorders ?

emotional versus

most of the loneliness impressions comes from the simple fact that most of the things I feel thrilled about makes people yawn, while all they're ecstatic about makes me cringe.

adosses

assis au pied de son lit, cote a cote
parler un temps assez long pour en perdre sa notion.

assis cote a cote, adosse a quelquechose
parler sans s'en rendre compte.

assis tous les deux, serres
parler en silence.

tout les deux. parler.

tout les deux. parler.

tout les deux. parler.
tout les deux. parler.

emotional noise, down up down down

For a few seconds I feel like a guy, then it goes away. It's a cold and empty feeling going through my self. Strips life out of me. Very difficult. I dream to stalk on neuroscientist to harass them into building a cortical debugger.

10+ years sample ellipsis. Flora Purim >> GameOne Abe's Odyssey

In late 90s, a Video Game TV Channel called 'Game One' emerged on french satellite offerings. Being low budget I believe, they filled the air with video clips of famous games featuring some songs they liked. One of them was Abe's Odyssey : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfutyCCjTbg . My interest in bass guitar was already there and this tune is 90% bass driven so it stuck in my mind. Knew it by heart without wanting more.

This morning I was curious about Michael Jackson's song 'Lady in my life' studio backing band. As usual Leon Ndugu Chancler being the drummer (the famous Billy Jean groove is his child, most famous 1 second drum groove ? maybe). I know he is a renowned studio drummer too, so, just for fun, let's how many albums he was on. 300+ says discogs.com .. not bad (I'd thought more honestly, but he's a professor at Berkley I believe, less time to rock). One of the early albums was Flora Purim's Open Your Eyes You Can Fly, with the song named the same. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvMO-73Rw4k The first second is a bass groove I recognize instantaneously. Abe's Odyssey clip ! Fortunately for me, I was able to find the old clip without too much efforts (thanks to the guy who uploaded it). And even found the intermediate sampler, DJ Food - Dark lady : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RL4eDvMaJyI

Quite a surprise

ps: I knew Flora's lyrics were familiar, I knew Lizz Wright's cover http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNWFlwOBhDE . Small, small world.

rollercoaster week somehow

Lots of surprising events since the last few days. My father leaving town to attend some friends funerals, then that girl 30th birthday, then her mother-in-law 60th birthday. They pulled me out from my room to share desert then dragged me on the kids playground with their daughter. It's probably been 13 years since I've landed a foot on that particular area. It's just outside my window yet I never stop when coming home. We even walked through the wooden path surrounding the projects. That was a child specialty. Soccer on fields, wooden houses, hide and seek... Sun even paid a visit while we were extending our walk in the forest. I didn't spend so much time in my own neighborhood for so long. It wasn't thrilling but quite peaceful and stimulating. Years ago I would probably be overwhelmed by anxiety, nowadays its under control. Anyway, the noon was about to end, everyone back to their home. The 30yo girl inviting me at her place. I couldn't say yes because I like her more than my own childhood friend (her fiancee). Friend who sent me some pep-talk message about how cool people thought I was .. they're just clueless, and I know he says that because he misses me somehow and want me to feel happy. But it's not right and there's no way I can explain anything to him because it doesn't even make sense to me.
So here I am, closing the door, father back from his 3 days trip, talking with my mom. There was a 'patching things up' kind of feeling floating in the air. Saddens me that it takes a sad event to bring this up. You can sense it by the rhythm and the tone of smalltalk, the overall volume ...
Fast forward 2 days, went to pay some bills for them, by bike, right on time since the sun is back again. I'm all sweaty but I cleared my tab. It's not even 2pm, for a reason, alcohol synced me back on time, I wake up early. Weird body. I decide to watch 'The Downfall'. Right when things becomes dark, parents start to pick on each others. Doesn't take long until that threat feeling flows through me. I can't stand it anymore but I'm too weak to get things started. I can't run away because I want my independence to live my life, I don't have any. Leaving would either pass at some immature runaway, or some inexplicable (even though everybody is in pain under this roof) gesture.

sexual shift bias

I feel for girls, aesthetically, emotionally (girls affection, attention makes me feel happy, physical closeness too the rare time that happened), Since ever. Not in a sexual way though, it seems. Would this be just normal friendship reaction toward a group with whom I'd share similar mental traits ? with the addition of 25 years of longing for their interest in a sexual way that wasn't feasible because of me, it could be an artificial amplification.

Hidden side of parties

I'm not the party type. I don't understand the word, the purpose. Most of the time I hate it. But it brings out strange opportunities. Some stuck feelings are let loose. Worthy people are in the same place, in the same time. Focusing on the good parts. It's almost ridiculous, I'm sure there are some Kool and the Gang lyrics with the same words, but it's not. It can be superficial. But it also has a purpose. Its a necessary substrate.